Blood Omen 1 Oh wait a minute
by Concept of a demon
Summary: The Oh wait a minute series continue with the upcoming LOK parodies that I shall write. Will Kain survive? Might be an idea to read the other 2 in the series first. Finished.
1. Kain's demise

Disclaimer: I own Corey. Nothing else. Except Randy Jackass. Who hopefully won't appear in this story.  
  
Kudos for my last story:  
  
Mikoto Zuko: Mansion? Uhh, don't you mean hotel? Never mind, glad you liked the bonus ending.  
  
Dark-sephy: Well, I thank thee for thine ideas, but I'll go with this one, so far.  
  
Mortalsora: Uhh, don't you mean Mike Meyers? Or Friday the 13th.? And no, I shall never quit writing. Until I've truly have run out of ideas, of course. Which hopefully won't be for a while.  
  
Blood of Angels: I might use that idea. If my memory doesn't take a crap on me.  
  
Space Toaster: I don't care if you're a professional writer or not. I just want suggestions. Well, maybe not right now, but when I ask, I just want suggestions. ^_^ Thanks.  
  
A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Installment 3 of this absolutely insane series of humour (insert snort and sarcastic nodding here) story. A Blood Omen parody. I'll do the whole series, except for Blood Omen 2, which I haven't played. Plus, I'll make a Defiance parody, as soon as I can. (which means it will be written as soon as I've completed the game) Unfortunately, I live in Europe, and won't get the game for a long time (I don't know the exact date for the Europe release) so I'll be behind all the Americans in here.  
  
Read on. If you dare..  
  
********************************************************************** "THERE IS A MAGICAL OPERATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE: THE INITIATION OF A NEW AEON. WHEN IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO UTTER A WORD THE WHOLE PLANET MUST BE BATHED IN BLOOD... " **********************************************************************  
  
The screen pans in on the burning times. Witches and other "evil" people are being burned on crosses. Two witch-hunters look at each other.  
  
Witch-hunter 1: What does this have to do with Legacy of Kain?  
  
Witch-hunter 2: Don't ask, padre, 'cuz I don't know.  
  
Witch-hunter 3: Well, it's stupid, makes no sense, and it portrays a moment, that most now-aday christians aren't too very proud of. (sarcastic) Must be a story by George Bush.  
  
Witch-hunter 1: ..  
  
Witch-hunter 2: Don't you mean Concept of a demon?  
  
Witch-hunter 3: ... You're not too bright, you know that?  
  
Witch-hunter 1: Is he trying to put christians on a guilt-trip?  
  
Witch-hunter 2: I thought he's through with being an asshole?  
  
Witch-hunter 3: He's probably been in Raziel's secret stash again.  
  
Witch-hunter 1: Umm, we aren't christians, so what's he trying to prove?  
  
Witch-hunter 3: Nothing, he just doesn't know what the hell to write.  
  
Witch-hunter 2: So if we aren't witch-hunting christians, why are we killing witches?  
  
Witch-hunter 1: Because we're psychos?  
  
Witch-hunter 2: Oh yeah.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Okay, that was a crappy sequence. Ignore it! It means nothing. I'm not even that uptight anymore!  
  
Kain: What exactly was the point of it, anyway?  
  
Hell if I know, Kain.  
  
Kain: I am so sick of your pointless little rants. No one cares, okay?! Sheesh, how stupid is it legal to be?  
  
Well, Big-Brother is allowed to run, isn't it?  
  
Kain: Good point. *Coughassholecough*  
  
I heard that!  
  
Kain: What are you going to do about it?  
  
You'll see!  
  
Kain: I don't really like the sound of this.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Let's try again!  
  
"THERE IS A MAGICAL OPERATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE: THE INITIATION OF A NEW AEON. WHEN IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO UTTER A WORD THE WHOLE PLANET MUST BE BATHED IN BLOOD... "  
  
Didn't Aleister Crowley say that?  
  
Kain: NO MORE RELIGIOUS JOKES, GOD-DAMNIT! (realises what he just said) Crap!  
  
Hypocrite.  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Camera switched to a large open field where Knights of the Sarafan are raising vampires on pikes for all to see. The circle of nine is watching through a tv.  
  
Kain: Umm, we don't have tvs in Nosgoth.  
  
You aren't born yet, either.  
  
Kain: Crap! (Dies, as if someone just pulled the plug on him Matrix-style. And don't talk to me about Revolutions, cuz I haven't seen it yet.)  
  
Shall we continue?! (death glare)  
  
No objections.  
  
Vorador calmly walks inside.  
  
Guardian 1: GET YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR, NOW! (pulls out a gun)  
  
Vorador: Okay.  
  
The guardians approach him, slowly. Just as one of them get to him, he grabs and snaps the guardian's arm, twisting it in an odd angle. He jumps up, sits still in the air as the camera pans around him, 360 degrees. He then kicks the guardian into the wall.  
  
Guardian 2: HE'S RIPPING OFF MATRIX 1! RUN FOR IT! MALEEEEEEEEEK!  
  
Guardian 3: MALEEEEEEEK!!!  
  
Vorador: CALL YOUR DOGS!!! They can feast on your corpses. Oh wait, I'm allergic to dogs.  
  
Rollo (a dog): wruf, wruf! (bites Vorador)  
  
Vorador goes rabid. The guardians try to run. Vorador quickly gets in their way. They shoot for him, but he just runs around on the wall, landing in front of the basin in the middle of the room. He kicks it at the closest guardian, knocking him out. He rolls for one, grabs him, shoots another guardian, then kicks upwards, knocking the guardian he was holding, out. The last one is trying to slowly sneak away. Vorador appears right in front of him.  
  
Vorador: The Matrix has you.  
  
Guardian 4: Oh shit. (is impaled on the bone reaver)  
  
Vorador: Bone-reaver?  
  
Oh crap, we don't have anyone to stop him from pervertedness.  
  
Malek runs in.  
  
Oh, okay. Fair enough.  
  
Vorador: Damn, why do I always get stopped before the punchline?  
  
Malek: Shut up and fight!  
  
Both of them jump up in the air, and lands on their heads, thereby standing upside down. Their legs kick at each other. It looks rather amusing. They jump up again. Malek grabs a wooden staff. So does Vorador. They start slamming their sticks at each other. (wink wink)  
  
Vorador: Why don't I get to be perverted?  
  
Because I'm more subtle in my pervertedness.  
  
Vorador: Crap!  
  
Suddenly, the staffs break in 2. They look at each other, then they both throw one part of their broken staffs away. They start the fight again, when the staffs break in 2, again. The same thing happens, until they are only holding pencil-length sticks in their hands. They start slapping each other's hands with the sticks. One of my friends and me used to do that a lot. Hurts like hell.  
  
Random pseudo-satanist: Shouldn't that be 'heaven' in your case?  
  
f-ck off, you bonehead! I don't have time to deal with self-decievers.  
  
Vorador: Enough of this pointless silly-slapping! I grow weary of this battle.  
  
Malek: Does that mean I'm winning? WOOOHOOO! (gets slapped in the back of his head, knocking him out)(pansy!)  
  
**************************************************************************** *********  
  
Someone on Silicon-knights must have been watching too many Psycho commercials, because Ariel gets killed Psycho-style.  
  
Ariel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU RUINED MY FACE! I HAVE NO AESTHETICS! DAMN YOU! NOW I CAN'T GET A DATE WITH SRRAZ!  
  
???: look, lady, he lived 500 years ago. What do you want to do to a dead corpse?  
  
Ariel: Moron, I can't answer questions when I'm dying. Guess I'll seem the pervert, until the Soul Reaver games. (dies)  
  
**************************************************************************** ***************  
  
The pillars goes gray. I would have made a funny parallel, but I'm out. Oh wait, how about a joke on old people. The pillars must be getting old, human-style. Wow, aren't I funny? And cruel to the elder? No? You're right, I aren't.  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
Barkeeper: The tavern's closing. Best be on your way, stranger  
  
Kain: What if I give you a turn with Umah once I marry her?  
  
Barkeeper: The tavern's yours!  
  
Kain: heheh, works like a charm.  
  
Umah appears.  
  
Umah: Kain, you asshole. I'm not your personal bargain trade!  
  
She kicks Kain outside.  
  
Barkeeper: Am I getting my payment in advance?  
  
Umah: Guess again! (Kills him)  
  
Outside.  
  
Kain: And so I was kicked out of the bar, by my future wife. Holy crap, that's a whole lot of brigands.  
  
He slowly kills them all.  
  
Kain: Ha, I won! Take that, you assholes!  
  
In a far away forest, a father and a son are practicing bow-shooting.  
  
Father: Now, son, hold the bow like this, and shoot.  
  
Son: (does so) IT WORKED, DADDY! I love you daddy!  
  
Father: I love you too, son! (they hug)  
  
Back at the tavern.  
  
Kain: That hurt! (dies, due to arrow in his heart)  
  
Remaining brigand: Well, I guess the end justifies the means. (Impales Kain.)  
  
Kain momentarily wakes up.  
  
Kain: HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS!!!!! ASSHOLE (dies)  
  
Brigand: Must be good enough for that skull-face.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****************  
  
Kain is now in hell.  
  
Kain: Wow, there sure are many good looking girls down here!  
  
Satan: Yo, dawg, what up? These woms (well, wouldn't you be pissed off if he said 'hos'?) like the fun exercise, and has therefore gone down here.  
  
Kain: So that is why Concept wants to go to hell. Hmm, interesting. I'm staying!  
  
Okay, wrong hell.  
  
Underworld. Kain is shackled.  
  
Kain: Wow, S and M! Awesome.  
  
Wrong!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. Let me start over.  
  
Moron.  
  
Kain: I heard that. (coughs) Vae Victus. Suffering to the Conquered. Not pronounced right, but what the hell. I don't know how it is supposed to mean, so I'll read from the script. Ironic. Now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pleasuring as physical pain. (due to me being a sado- masochist in this story)(A/N: That was Kain talking before, not me.)  
  
Wanna try that sentence again, Kain?  
  
Kain: Uh-huh. Ahrem. Yes. Vae Victus- 'Suffering to the Conquered'. Ironic. Now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain, rather the cruel jab of impotent anger- the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell; all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Well, I did care about being in Heaven or Hell, but I'm reading from the script, so there.  
  
This sequence makes a lot of sense, huh?  
  
Kain: I wonder what pedestrian means.  
  
Time to fill up some space, while I go look in ff.net's dictionary.  
  
Uhh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense in that sentence! Notice the sarcasm.  
  
Kain: Is this story gonna make ANY sense at all?  
  
Look, I'm writing this as I go. I have no idea if it's gonna make any sense.  
  
Kain: Okay. Moron.  
  
I heard that.  
  
Mortanius approaches Kain.  
  
Morty: do you want payback, Kain?  
  
Kain: This makes no sense. You don't speak in the original video.  
  
Morty: This is a parody (read closely, Steelsoul), anything can happen.  
  
Kain: Is that so?  
  
Morty: yes, now do you want revenge or not?  
  
Kain: I don't.  
  
Morty (dangerously): I said, do you want revenge?  
  
Kain (not getting it): No, I don't.  
  
Morty: TAKE THE DAMN SWORD, OR YOU'LL BE PAIRED UP WITH MOEBIUS!!!  
  
Kain: I ACCEPT! I ACCEPT. I WANT VENGEANCE!! VENGEANCE FOR MY ETERNITY OF SUFFERING!!!  
  
Morty: Kain, you've been down here for 4 minutes.  
  
Kain: I have a short attention span.  
  
Morty: I hate my job. Anyway, take the sword, and you'll get your vengeance.  
  
Kain: Sometimes, you get what you wish for. Sometimes, you say your oneliners too late for them to make any sense. I blame the author. The Necromancer, Mortanius, offered me a chance for vengeance and, like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. Nothing is free, not even revenge.  
  
Not much thinking going on in your head, huh Kain?  
  
Kain: Shut up, Concept. You didn't even see this cutscene before you played the game.  
  
I would have, if I had the choice. Damn cracked game!  
  
A police car is right now going to COAD's house, to arrest him for stealing.  
  
Morty: hahah, you will have the blood you hunger for!!!  
  
Kain: Literally. *Drumroll*  
  
Audience laughs.  
  
Kain: Why are you ripping off Crystarr?  
  
Technically, I'm not. He used canned laughter. I couldn't afford a canned- laughter machine, so I had to rent a couple of dumbasses. They'll laugh at anything.  
  
Audience laughs again. What a bunch of dumbasses.  
  
Kain: O_0 I'm out of here!  
  
Kain leaves the underworld.  
  
Kain: I'm gonna kick the ass of those assholes who killed me, aka crappy happy-clappy father and son. What assholes. And the asshole who sucker- impaled me when I was down.  
  
Kain walks out of his mausoleum. He forgot the sanctuary spell.  
  
Kain: I don't need that. I kick ass.  
  
Suddenly, someone slams into him.  
  
????: Watch it, goth-boy. Woah! Kain?  
  
Kain: Oh great, now you're appearing again.  
  
Corey: Just until the author don't need me anymore. Now pick up the sanctuary spell.  
  
Kain: Or what?  
  
Corey: Or I'll shove this chainsaw so far up your ass, you'll be whistling Dixie chicks.  
  
Kain (meekly): Yes, sir. (gets it)  
  
Corey: Good.  
  
Kain: The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such cruelty from the light, even though I knew I was a vampire, right from the moment that I woke up. Never mind vampiric lore, I didn't expect it. For in the embrace of the sun I could find no comfort- only Malek. I mean malice This would change in time for the worse, along with other things.  
  
Malek: did someone say my name?  
  
Corey: You're not supposed to appear until later on, Malek.  
  
Malek: Oh yeah. (disappears)  
  
Kain kicks the ass of all those brigands. Didn't he kill them, instead of them killing him? Oh well. You must be getting used to plotholes by now.  
  
Kain: For sure.  
  
He finds the father and son, who accidentally shot him.  
  
Kain: Their sneering faces were forever etched upon my memory. I had cross death for this moment. My mind was empty, save for one thought- I would kill!  
  
He kills them.  
  
Father: What trickery is this? (dies)  
  
Kain: There is no greater release than that from vengeance sated. With my assassins dead, my quest was over.  
  
Morty: 'Tis not over Kain. These fools were merely the instruments of your murder, not the cause. Look to their masters. Look to the Pillars and gain way to the Fortress of the Mind.  
  
Kain: Next chapter.  
  
Morty: I'd prefer you do it now.  
  
Kain: The story is already up on 9 pages, AND size 12. Shut up. I'll do it next chapter.  
  
Morty: But..  
  
Enough, Mortanius. I grow weary of this chapter. Shut up. It is done.  
  
**************************************************************************** ************  
  
Okay, 5 reviews. (that will be mandatory for all of the chapters, by the way) And no flamers. (that too) 


	2. Fighting the numetalist

Disclaimer: I only own Corey. His fangirls must be property of themself. If there are any. If not, I own them!!!!!! Or Corey does. I ONLY OWN COREY. NOTHING ELSE, OKAY?  
  
Kudos:  
  
Eight-Winged Angel: heh, you haven't read my other "humour" stories, have you? This is pretty much a continuation of those. Wow, I'm such a spammer.  
  
Dark-sephy: I was wondering how many people would get that scene with the staffs. Didn't know how many people had seen Men in Tights.  
  
Mikoto Zuko: Why do you think I haven't played it yet? Because I don't have the game. Anyway, Defiance is in stores today! In America. While I have to wait until Febuary the 6th 2004. 'pouts' I hate Eidos. But check the stores. It should be there today. Heheh, so you like Corey, eh? I knew there was bound to be some Corey fans.  
  
Blood of Angels: Well, I am the one writing it, so it should still be as dangerous to read, as the other 2. But a classic? I doubt it.  
  
Razel of Nosgoth: Umm, you do know that your name is spelled wrong, right? It's Raziel. But I'm glad you liked it.  
  
A/N: I don't really have anything to say. Except you should go to your game stores to buy Defiance if you're American. And sulk, if you don't live in the states. That's what I'll be doing. And all because someone decided that the game should have multi language option on it. I don't think England or Denmark care, moron!!  
  
Read on.  
  
**************************************************************************** ********  
  
Last chapter I forgot the whole 'Maleks damnation' scene. Therefore, here it is. Malplaced in the story, but what the hell..  
  
Room under Avernus' cathedral.  
  
Malek is shackled and Mortanius is in the middle of damning him.  
  
Mortanius: For failing the Circle, Malek of the Sarafan, you are hereby damned!  
  
Malek: DAMNIT!!!!! (These jokes suck!)  
  
Mortanius: Shut up.  
  
Malek's soul is transferred to his armor.  
  
Mortanius: The pleasures of the flesh are no longer yours. (A/N: Poor guy)  
  
Malek: What?! YOU GOTTA BE BLEEDING KIDDING ME?  
  
Mortanius: You have but one person, damned one. You will serve us for eternity.  
  
Malek: 'us' being?  
  
Mortanius: You haven't read the script, have you?  
  
Malek: Not really.  
  
Mortanius: What were you busy doing?  
  
Malek: Well, I knew you were gonna say, that the pleasures of the flesh is no longer mine, so I fiugred I'd have as much fun as possible before it happened.  
  
Mortanius: You're treading on dangerous ground here, Malek.  
  
Malek: Nosgothian girls really dig damned guys.  
  
Mortanius: I hate my job. (leaves)  
  
Malek: Heheh, it's funny when the author forgets something.  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
Kain finds the sign reading 'Ziegsturhl'.  
  
Kain: This was where the bloody deed of my murder took place. Although the arrow were from somewhere else. I hate this.  
  
Corey: Quit complaining, goth-boy, or I'll saw you in half.  
  
Kain: This is medieval times. You don't have a chainsaw.  
  
The chainsaw gets replaced by a katana. (for those of you who don't know, a samurai-sword)  
  
Corey: Oh yeah!  
  
Kain: I take it the author has been playing shadow warrior.  
  
Hell yes!!  
  
Kain: I hate this.  
  
Corey: Oh, shut up.  
  
Kain: So where are we going?  
  
Corey: I don't know.  
  
They see a building with a sign, saying: Cosmetic ass-kickings. Owned by Dumah.  
  
Kain: Okay, I gotta see this!  
  
They enter the store, where Dumah is talking to a dumbass customer.  
  
Dumbass customer 1 (looking in a magazine): I was looking at a 'skull- buster' to 228,57 bucks, does it hurt?  
  
Dumah: ... Yep. (smiles)  
  
Dumbass customer 2: I was in last week getting a kick in my balls, but it is as if the color has faded. Could you re-do it?  
  
Kain: .... I hate danish humour.  
  
Corey: Hell, that joke doesn't even belong to the author.  
  
Kain: It was much better originally. He messed it up.  
  
Corey: Yeah. Let's get out of here.  
  
They leave.  
  
Dumbass customer 3: How much does a whooping cost?  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Kain: Wanna go inside the bar I was kicked out off, and get revenge?  
  
Corey: Umah's not born yet, Kain.  
  
Kain: The hell? How was she there before, then?  
  
Corey: Kain, you know COAD by now.  
  
Kain: Right, plotholes and lots of them.  
  
Corey: Yeah.  
  
Kain: Where are we supposed to go?  
  
Mortanius (telepathically): To the pillars!!!!  
  
Kain: .. No need for the drama, Morty.  
  
Morty: Shut up, Kain.  
  
The duo heads off for the pillars. Suddenly, they look at the pillars from a not too distant future. I mean distance. Yes.  
  
Kain: The Pillars of Nosgoth. Even in life, few sights have moved me such as this. I marveled that such beauty should grace our dying world. He's messing up the story.  
  
Corey: As he does with every story. Get over it, Kain.  
  
Kain: Or what?  
  
Corey: Or I'll slice your ear off.  
  
Kain (draws his sword): Bring it on, big-pants-boy!  
  
Corey: You suck at insults, you know that?  
  
The two clashes with each other in a furious sword fight. Kain swings for Corey, but he dodges and slashes upwards, so Kain has to dodge backwards to avoid it. He slashes wildly at Corey, who blocks everything, though with difficulty. Eventually, Kain cuts Corey's arm.  
  
Kain: Hahah, I'm victorious! Bow down to me!!  
  
Corey cuts Kain in the jugular.  
  
Kain: agou! I'll glet ylou flor thlat!  
  
Corey: I think not, goth-boy.  
  
Kain's wound heals up. He jumps for Corey, but Corey dodges out of the way. Kain spins in the air, then kneels down. He spins the sword in the air, hitting ANYTHING that comes near him. Corey holds his distance, though. Suddenly, Kain jumps for Corey, catching him off-guard. He pokes Corey in the eye.  
  
Corey: JESUS! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?!  
  
The 2 have failed to realise, that their fight has taken them to the pillars.  
  
Corey: Whoops.  
  
Something is floating around at the pillars. It turns out to be Ariel.  
  
Ariel: Nupraptor, your madness has shattered our dreams and blinded you.  
  
Kain: She's a raving maniac! She talks to herself!  
  
Ariel: Shut up, Kain.  
  
Kain: Keep your distance or I'll send you back to Hell, spirit!  
  
Corey: Umm, are you sure about that?  
  
Kain: Yeah, why?  
  
Corey: There aren't any ghosts down there.  
  
Kain: Oh. Oh yeah. That's right, I didn't see any ghosts down there.  
  
Ariel: There is nothing left of me to fear, vampire. I am only a shadow of my former self- Ariel, the Balance of the Circle of Nine. Even so, I can provide the answers you seek.  
  
Kain: What's the meaning of life? Where do babies come from? Why can't I escape these crappy parodies? What's the secret to women? Why doesn't Defiance arrive in Europe until Febuary the 6th 2004, while it's out on the shelves today in America? Do you have a vase? Do you have a vase? Is God dead? Why does COAD write in script form? Was Bush right in bombing the hell out of Afghanistan? Why does COAD always forget to promise reviewers something, like beating the shit out of Moebius with an aluminium baseball bat?  
  
Ariel: ................ Is he always like that?  
  
Corey: I take it Concept is out of ideas right now.  
  
Which means: TEENY-BOPPER SEQUENCE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH......... Or maybe not.  
  
Ariel: So what can I get you guys?  
  
Kain: I seek only a cure.  
  
Ariel: There is no cure for death- only release. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, though. You must destroy the sorcery that is now poisoning Nosgoth. This has a lot to do with you being a vampire. Only then will you realize peace. The Nine of the Protectors of Hope were sworn to use their powers to preserve our world. Now these pillars have been corrupted by a traitor. My murder at the hands of this beast drove my love, Nupraptor, mad.  
  
Kain: I thought the light from his head was what drove him mad.  
  
Ariel: Actually, it was due to me playing with his carefully balanced scales in the end of the beginning sequence.  
  
Camera shows Nupraptor sewing his eyes shut then switch back to the Pillars.  
  
Kain: Why is Nuppys head suddenly appearing in the middle of the screen?  
  
Ariel: Vorador was in the flashback machine again. That man has a fixation with "milk".  
  
Kain: Yeah, just like Moebius. (shakes from remembering.)  
  
Ariel: Now he spreads misery and pain among the Circle, crumbling the very foundation of Nosgoth, because the circle was definitely the ones who built Nosgoth. You must restore balance. You must right the Pillars of Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: I care not for the fate of this world.  
  
Ariel: Then for yourself, Kain. Beware the Unspoken.  
  
Kain: Is that another name for Voldemort?  
  
Corey: I think she's talking about Hash, Kain.  
  
Kain: Oh, that dude. I forgot all about him. Hrhem. Nupraptor, with his blind act of vengeance, (get it, he sew his eyes shut. He can't see) threatened to destroy all of Nosgoth. Or maybe just the areas of the game that we visit. Each Circle member was bonded with duct-tape to the Pillar he served. The Pillars reflected the mental state of their servants, and as the minds of the Circle degenerated and descended further into dementia, the Pillars crumbled. And the duct-tape broke. To restore them, each member of the Circle had to die and the artifact that served as their link to the Pillar had to be returned and duct-taped to the pillar it represented. Only when all the Pillars were restored did Ariel claim my curse would end, because killing people will definitely remove vampirism. And so, my hunt for Nupraptor began.  
  
**************************************************************************** *********  
  
Kain and Corey walks to steinchencroe, or Smelly-town.  
  
Kain: The town of Smelly-town bore with it the infamous aroma of its inhabitants, along with very bad music, thanks to N'Sync. In life, I would not have graced the place with my presence. In death, I merely added to the stench. Although the music made me heave for air.  
  
Corey: GOD, THIS PLACE STINKS! AND THE MUSIC SUCKS!  
  
Kain: Quit complaining, you whiny bastard.  
  
Corey: Wanna fight again?  
  
Kain: Bring it on!  
  
They fight, and eventually end up at Irmok the mads restaurant.  
  
Kain: Restaurant? What the bleeding hell is he talking about? The psycho is stirring in one freaking pot. Doesn't look very edible, either. Never the less, this lunatic was delighted to see me. Perhaps his madness would reveal a greater truth. Like fortune cookies.  
  
Irmok: The bastards of Steinchencroe shun me as Nosgoth shuns them, due to their incredible stench! THEY F-CKING SMELL BADLY!!! I know what it means to be an outsider, vampire, that's why I'm all dressed in black. I fear you not, but remember this- there are others who will speak to you so long as you know how to look.  
  
Kain: What a bunch of shallow bastards this place is.  
  
Irmok: Yeah, what are you gonna do? (stirs in pot)  
  
Kain and Corey walks on.  
  
Kain: The gypsies- purveyors of distrust and superstition. Most of their babble should be taken with a pinch of salt or pepper (or chili, yummie! ), since the gypsies often tinker with weary travelers' minds, with the aid of mirrors and cards. However, a few gypsies have something interesting to say. Like wether Spielbergs next movie will be a hit, or wether Eddie Murphy will be black for another ten years, or wether Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak english with accent. Or you can have your fortune told with the aid of cards. Them gypsies like cards.  
  
Some gypsie throws some cards at the duo of psycho.  
  
Gypsie: ME UGGA-BUGGA MAN! ME SMITE YOU!!! (throws another card)  
  
Kain/Corey stares in shock at the dancing stereotype in front of them.  
  
Corey: Isn't the gypsie stereotype different? Weren't they supposed to be thieves?  
  
Suddenly, the two wears nothing at all. They look at each other.  
  
Kain/Corey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH H!!!!!! GIVE US OUR CLOTHES BACK!!!!  
  
They get back all of their clothing, then commits gypsie-holocaust. Instead of a swastika, they have the reaver laid vertically over a vertical katana. Looks like an X.  
  
Corey: This story is really losing it.  
  
Slaves: HEIL KAIN/COREY!!!!  
  
Okay, we move on, because that was freaking odd!!!  
  
They arrive at Vasserbunde, where bright neon light greets them. The sign reads New Reno.  
  
Kain: Wow, his memory actually goes back to Fallout 2!  
  
Corey: Amazing, isn't it?  
  
Kain: I wanna work for John Bishop.  
  
Wanna get back on story? (point is emphasised with the aid of acid)  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!! Okay. Vasserbunde lay, its glory now stained and faded. A religiously faithful child in the looming shadow of Nupraptor's Retreat. Plus, they don't get out much.  
  
Nearby, a gas-truck gasses up. A woman in black leather clothing runs for a phonebox, and the truck slams into it, just as she picks up the phone. Some suited people climbs out of the truck.  
  
Agent 1: She got away.  
  
Agent 2: Never mind, we have the name of their next target. His name is Neo.  
  
Corey and Kain gasps at the Matrix ripoff.  
  
Agent 3: Could you tell us the name of the city, that Neo lives in?  
  
Kain: It's not here.  
  
Corey: Try America.  
  
Agent 1: I told you, Nosgoth is not where he was going to be.  
  
Agent 3: Shut up. It's not like you never make mistakes.  
  
Kain (like Dr. Evil): Riiiiiiight.  
  
The two look up at Nupraptor's retreat, from the center of the town.  
  
Kain: Nupraptor's Keep lay west of Vasserbunde. I would seek to cut the cancer from its heart. Sort of a radical cure, but what the hell.  
  
They hear screams from the west.  
  
Kain: The wind carried screams from the west. I could not help but smile- someone else in this world was suffering more than I. What a sadist I am ^_^! I wonder if it was an S/M lair.  
  
Corey: Dude, it's freaking Nupraptor's retreat, not a bloody S/M lair! Sheesh. Isn't there anything else on your mind?  
  
They do all the stuff necessary for entering Nupraptor's retreat.  
  
Corey: The gaping maw of Nupraptor's Retreat rained upon Nosgoth all his pain and misery. The disease begged to be cleansed.  
  
Kain: I knew it! He's a masochist, too! And.. Hey! You stole my lines!  
  
Corey: Yeah, and?  
  
Kain: It has to be said with my sexy voice!  
  
Corey: Kain, you sound like Steve Urcle right now.  
  
Kain (sucking on a helium baloon, aka high pitched voice): No I don't!  
  
Corey: Let's just move on.  
  
They travel through the cavern, though without a walkthrough, so they get stuck right around the beginning of the main retreat. Dumbasses.  
  
Corey: Better than you. You look from game to walkthrough all the time.  
  
Kain: The Mentalist Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his tricks of the mind, telepathy, and telekinesis. Pilgrims traveled from all across the land, seeking the comfort of his lies. (looks around) Heh, COAD'esque in-joke, heheh. I sought not his wisdom, but his life. And his lightbulb head. This crappy light spell doesn't light the place up enough.  
  
They get pretty far in.  
  
Nupraptor (Through telepathy): You dare intrude upon my sanctuary? Can I not mourn in peace? Leave! Leave and let my solitude be complete!  
  
Kain: You would get more guests if you weren't so bitter, Nupraptor.  
  
Nupraptor: Leave me alone, assholes.  
  
Kain: You won't get any guests with that attitude. I bid thee farewell. (goes to leave)  
  
Corey: Kain, where are you going?! We need to kill him!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot for a second.  
  
They come to a place.  
  
Kain: I came upon one of Nupraptor's serving girls, catatonic with fear, choking out half-words through bloodied, broken teeth. Ugly! Although tempted by hunger (not really, her teeth sorta made me barf), I stayed my hand, allowing her to tell her story. She spoke of her Lord, Nupraptor, driven to insanity by the brutal slaying of his beloved Ariel. She spoke of his self-mutilation (he must be a goth), sewing his eyes and lips shut to deny the outside world. Maybe he should have sewn his ears shut, too, so he couldn't hear. Fueled by despair and hopelessness (and he was depressed, too), he turned his magic on the Circle, infecting their minds with his madness. Nupraptor cared for nothing now, save his pathetic self-pity, and his upstarted nu-metal band. Scars such as hers would never heal. Death would only be a mercy. I wouldn't drink her blood, though. She was freaking ugly! Damn!  
  
They look at the mutilated corpses around them.  
  
Kain: The cretin squandered life and left it seeping on the floor. Such waste was a travesty, even though he probably didn't care about feeding vampires! Perhaps Nupraptor needed to be taught a lesson as to the value of blood. Heheh, I'll force him to write on a card-board: Blood is good! Heheh, that would teach him.  
  
Corey: coughlooneycough.  
  
They find the schizo view, aka skull eyes of Nuppy's retreat. They watch through the uncorrupt window first.  
  
Kain: From the depths of the Retreat's eye sockets, I viewed Nosgoth in a different fashion. The glass seemed to warp the image and taint the color. As if Nosgoth needed assistance in making its corruption apparent.  
  
Corey: Uhh, Kain, you are looking through the wrong window.  
  
Kain: Wha.? Oh damn it, I hate this.  
  
Corey: Maybe you should memorise the script, instead of reading from it at the wrong time.  
  
Kain: Shut up! (starts crying)  
  
Corey: Pansy.  
  
They arrive at the place where Nuppy and Malek awaits them.  
  
Nupraptor: So Malek, have you come to fail the Circle once more? Leave, Paladin! I do not need your protection. Come, Kain. Come, share my pain... Hey! That rhymed. That's gonna be part of the new album!  
  
Corey: Damn nu-metallist!  
  
Kain: So this was the Mentalist Nupraptor. This broken, pathetic little man. Yet crippled as he was, he would not yield without battle. Very well, old fool, if it is death you seek, I will not deny you!  
  
Corey and Kain fights Nupraptor. He fights them with the aid of the crappy music him and his band makes. And he throws discs at them. Really fast.  
  
Kain: I WAAANT REPEEL!!!  
  
Corey: Just kill him, damnit!  
  
Kain: I can't get to him, now can I?  
  
Corey runs really fast up to Nupraptor (meaning, he runs to him Anime style, aka disappearing from view, and appearing right behind Nuppy) He severs his head. Kain picks it up.  
  
Kain: And now, a famous quote. Alas, poor Nupraptor - I knew him well. Well, not really.  
  
About a million Kain fans cheer for him.  
  
Corey: Not fair. I killed him.  
  
Nupraptor rises behind Corey.  
  
Kain: Duck, Corey!  
  
Corey ducks, and Kain cuts Nupraptor's corpse in 2 pieces. All of his fans cheer.  
  
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor - I knew him well. Well, not really.  
  
No need to repeat yourself, Kain.  
  
Kain: Why can't I have fun?  
  
Shut up and deal with it!  
  
Kain: 'sniff' Perhaps the head of her beloved will convince Ariel that I have accomplished my task. And I'm sure she'll like the fact that I killed her boyfriend. Wow, just like I doomed Raziel. She must hate me by now. That's 2 boyfriends of her's that I killed/damned. I love this! ^_^!  
  
Corey: Let's go find the mace.  
  
They do so, smashing up a Stonehenge kind of thingy.  
  
Kain (describing the mace): The mace is amongst my most useful of weapons (cracks up with laughter. Yeah right, it's the most unused weapon ever), for it merely stuns my victims, allowing me ample time to feed. Will be absolutely pointless, once we get blood gout and blood shower, due to us playing with cheats.  
  
Corey: What?! Does this mean we won't need the hearts of darness? But I've been so busy collecting them. (breaks down)  
  
All of Corey's fangirls run in, to comfort him. (A/N: Okay, how many of those exist? Hands up, if you're a Corey fan)  
  
Corey fangirl 1: Shush, dear. It will be alright.  
  
Corey fangirl 2: I wanna comfort him, too. (does so)  
  
Kain: I hate you, Corey.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Okay, longer chapter, huh? 12 pages AND in pint 12.  
  
5 reviews, and no flames.  
  
Reviewers will be able to order a sword of their choice. And I will tie Moebius up and put him in a chair, so you can cut him any way you want. 


	3. The adventures of tincanman

Kudos  
  
Blood of Angels: Here's a barbed flame sword. Have fun with it. Oh, and you're wrong. Now he can't get "milk". I suck at these jokes! Anyway, flamers aren't considered humans, and they aren't, either.  
  
Dark-sephy: The Dumah part... Yeah, an example of Danish humour. Psychopathic, right? Anyways, here's the sword. Have fun with it. Glad to see you like Corey.  
  
Mortalsora: I have a feeling Vorador's gonna enjoy the chapter, where Kain has 3 pillar tokens. Heheheheh. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah. By the way, you are freaking lucky. I hate waiting for Defiance.  
  
Razel of Nosgoth: You should play the entire game. It is really good.  
  
Aquasword: Nice to see new faces, by the way.  
  
A/N: Hmm, I don't really know if this chapter is funny. But it ain't like chapter 4 of The Shining, Oh wait a minute, so relax and read it.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Kain returns to the Pillars of Nosgoth. He walks up to the pillars.  
  
Kain: I placed Nupraptor's head before the Pillar of the Mind, then remembered I had to duct-tape it to the pillars. Wasn't easy, with Ariel screaming at me for killing her boyfriend. Plus, she was wielding a baseball bat. Hurt like hell. Plus, Vorador was turned on by the whole duct- tape thingy, so there was "milk" stains on the pillars. (A/N: If I don't get banned for that, I don't know what will.) The pillar accepted its offering, thus it was restored. Nupraptor was but the genesis. Forever tainted by his madness, the Circle was beyond redemption. For them, absolution lay only in death. Unfortunately, some hopeless psychologists thought otherwise. Oh well. I was hungry anyway. In me, they would find their deliverance, because the mail man was too unreliable. But first I had to defeat their shepherd- Malek, defender of the Nine, lay in a keep far to the north, past Vasserbunde. It was time for me to test the wrath of the Pillar of Conflict.  
  
Corey: Not much funny stuff in that sentence.  
  
Kain: Well, it IS Concept who's writing.  
  
Ariel: Death in the Circle breathes life to the Pillars. Could use a breath mint, though. For every Pillar (except balance), there is a token. Only with these shall they be restored. But to reach a warrior, you must first breach his ward. Find Malek and destroy him. Only then will the Circle fall.  
  
Kain: Or when I trip them. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
Corey: He's loosing it.  
  
Kain and Corey heads on their way to Coorhagen, killing a lot of soldiers, and meeting some more gypsies, loosing their clothing to them, and committing gypsie-holocaust again.  
  
Slaves: HEIL KAIN! HEIL COREY!  
  
Kain/Corey: 'confused' Oooooooooooookayyyy... Bizarre.  
  
They come to Coorhagen.  
  
Kain: Years ago word reached us of a strange pestilence that had laid siege to a few remote villages far east. But the rumor failed to prepare us for the horror that was the Plague. We thought it was AIDS. As with everything else, we blamed the newcomers, racists that we were back then.  
  
Lots of corpses litters the road.  
  
Kain: Worms and maggots (but no lawyers) fed upon his festering skin, the scent of tainted blood seeped through the wounds upon which they feasted. Pity, such a waste. Good blood gone bad. Now available for for 29.99 § in the x-x-x-vamp store.  
  
Corey: I had a feeling you would know about that.  
  
Kain: Well, my dad used to take me there everyday, when I was 13. This makes Concept jealous.  
  
Concept: (is jealous)  
  
Corey: Again, none of this makes sense.  
  
Kain: It's not supposed to, remember?  
  
Corey: I have a feeling I'll be insane after this.  
  
Kain: If not already..  
  
Kain and Corey reaches Coorhagen, reading the signpost.  
  
Kain: Coorhagen, my home, the finest city in all of Nosgoth, rich in vanity and conceit. I had no delusions as to the welcome I would receive. I would be greeted with open arms.  
  
Some girl comes bouncing into the scene.  
  
Elizabeth: Kain! You're back! Oh my god! Can we finally be together?  
  
Corey: Heh, seems like you have a bride waiting for you, Kain.  
  
Kain: Uh, look, Liz, I'm sort of vampiric now.  
  
Elizabeth: (shocked) Oh no.. VAMPIRE IN THE CITY!!!!  
  
Lots of warriors come out.  
  
Corey: You just had to tell her, didn't you?  
  
Kain: Oooops.  
  
They run for it, visit some mooncaves (which takes a hell of a time to enter), then enter the city again. While walking through, Kain makes anecdotes.  
  
Kain: Shut up. Ahem. Death and disease stalked these streets, sending cryptic letters to it, and dead cats, too, all in a feeble attempt to get into contact with the streets, but alas, the streets already had a boyfriend. Bodies lay, most in the very spots in which fate had taken them- a perfect homecoming, because I had always hated the bastards! ^_^  
  
Corey: Loony!  
  
Kain: shut up.  
  
They spot Malek's keep on a mountain.  
  
Kain: Malek's Bastion, perched defiantly on the mountain top, though not really defying anyone, black as night against the blanket of snow. What manner of man would choose a land so harsh and utterly devoid of life? Apart from tin-can-man, of course.  
  
They go around the town, getting the repel spell (BADASS! IT RHYMED!) and the most unused armor, bone-armor.  
  
Vorador: Bone-armor?  
  
Kain and Corey kick him hard in the ass together, sending him flying back to his mansion. Afterwards, they find the inspire hate spell.  
  
Kain: This spell allows me to exploit the petty prejudices of man. Minor grievance would escalate to murderous rage and oh, the sweet terror when the spell wore off and they saw their hands covered with their neighbour's blood. Especially if they hated their neighbour. Then it would look funny, as they smiled.  
  
Kain and Corey picks up items and what-not in the town, then flies to Malek's bastion.  
  
Malek: I know you are here, demon. The stench of death clings to you. You should have used the deodorant I sent you last christmas.  
  
Kain: But there's water in it!  
  
Malek: Yeah, I know. Heheheh.  
  
Kain: The interior was as cold and sterile as the snow outside (and Moebius), with empty suits of armor and sharp, cruel steel lining the walls, and the occasional swinging axe. Those were hellishly annoying.  
  
The two encounter Malek-wannabes.  
  
Malek: My warriors are but shadows of my skill, child.  
  
The warriors swing their weapons with deadly precision, and will kill everything they set their minds to.  
  
Kain (activating repel): Wanna bet?  
  
Soldiers: Shit.. (gets killed)  
  
Kain and Corey discovers the first minion generation room.  
  
Kain: The towering metal structure gave birth to these wraiths. I could hazard only a guess at its function: fusing the souls of long dead warriors to their armor, so that they may do battle once again. Life without blood. What a travesty! Why can't these guardians just conform to my vampiric views? I hate them!  
  
Corey: Quit whining, you crybaby you.  
  
Kain: ...... Could you please not talk like that?  
  
Each time Kain silences one of the generators, he receives a taunt.  
  
Malek: Do you hope to best me, Kain? Do not worry. Your challenge will not go unmet.  
  
Kain: Don't you mean 'beat'?  
  
Malek: No, I meant 'best'.  
  
Kain: The creators of this game talks oddly.  
  
Malek: yeah, what are you gonna do? Your undeath does not make you immortal, vampire.  
  
Kain: Um, it does, actually.  
  
Malek: Come to slay the slayer of vampires, have you?  
  
Kain: Damn, how many of you vampire hunters are there?  
  
Malek: Well.... many. Buffy, Vampire Hunter D, Raziel...  
  
Corey: Raz-man doesn't exist yet.  
  
Malek: .... Shut up! (cries) (pansy)  
  
They find the uber-generator.  
  
Corey: The globe powered the machinery. With its destruction, the deafening shrieks of the machines ceased to echo throughout the bastion. It was now time to silence the machines' maker.  
  
Kain: Damnit, you're stealing my lines again, you asshole!  
  
Corey: That's because you still sound like Steve Urcle.  
  
Kain (holding a balloon): That's not true!  
  
Malek: You try my patience, fledgling. Care to try my blade instead?  
  
Kain: Lay off the sexual innuendo, please.  
  
Corey: Seems like Vorador corrupts everything he touches.  
  
Kain: I hope he doesn't touch me when we meet him.  
  
Corey: didn't happen during the video, did it?  
  
Kain: Thankfully not.  
  
The 2 go outside.  
  
Kain: My eyes yearned from lack of contrast, my mouth ached for want of blood. In this cold wasteland, food was scarce, and my hunger grew.  
  
Corey: Kain, drop the balloon, seriously! You sound really high-pitched. It's annoying.  
  
They enter the heart of the building.  
  
Kain: The guards at the gate offered no resistance; they were frozen solid and dead as they stood, their flesh welded to the cold metal of their armor ... Hmm, I wonder what would happen if I licked one of them.  
  
He gets stuck to it. What a dumbass! Corey cuts his tongue off.  
  
Kain: BLAARHG!! (regrows his tongue) DAMNIT, THAT HURT!!!  
  
Corey: Don't lick them, then.  
  
They enter the "throne" room.  
  
Kain: A corpse held court on a tattered throne, grinning malignantly at me through blackened teeth. Sort of like the serving girl in the nu-metalist's keep.  
  
Malek: It is not often that a man sees his own corpse, it is a sobering experience. But I am far less interested in my own corpse than I am in yours. Prepare yourself, vampire.  
  
Kain: Woah! Necrophilia, or what?!  
  
Corey: Disgusting! Just plain disgusting.  
  
The 2 fight Malek, messing up badly, due to their lack of proper fighting abilites.  
  
Kain: Okay, on 'hut-hut', I throw my wallet to you, I tackle him, and you get it in goal.  
  
Corey: ... Kain, we are trying to kill him.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. We attack from 2 sides at once.  
  
They do so. Unfortunately, Malek is way too skilled. He blocks all of their attacks, and even Corey is unable to do anything. Suddenly, Malek throws the infamous energy wall attack, destroying anything it hits.  
  
Kain: I have repel! I have nothing to fear!  
  
The wall hurts him.  
  
Kain (shocked): My.... Repel spell.....  
  
Corey: No time for that! Let's get out of here!  
  
Malek: HAH! LOSERS! CAN'T EVEN DEFEAT OLD MALEK, HUH?! That's 10 bucks, Morty.  
  
Morty: Damn! I was so sure.. (hands him 10 bucks, then leaves)  
  
In another room.  
  
Kain: 'Twould seem Malek's destiny with my blade was postponed. Perhaps Ariel could offer further guidance. Talking like this is absolutely cool. I am badass. (He finds the axes) Havoc and Malice, their presence in my hands keeps me from employing magic, yet rest assured they do little to hamper my relish for slaughter.  
  
Kain messes around with the axes, spinning around himself a lot. Eventually, he loses control, and starts flying, due to the propelling axes. He accidentally flies back to the pillars. Corey grabs on to his legs in time to keep him at Malek's. He's not strong enough, though. So he goes flying along.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***********  
  
Okay, reviewers get BB guns, and Moebius on a shooting range.  
  
5 reviews, as always. 


	4. More milk jokes than you have ever seen,...

Kudos:  
  
Mortalsora: Damn, that blasted Vorador! He just won't stop being perverted. DAMN BONDAGE FREAK!!!!!  
  
AquaSword: Yep, he deserves it. So does Vorador, now that I think about it. Humping the Pillars ain't cool.  
  
Blood of Angels: Glad that people understood that joke. If he's not sterile now, I'm guessing he will be after you're done with him. And once Kain and Corey are done with him, he'll officially be a woman.  
  
Mikoto Zuko: It's out in some places in USA, Okay?! Nah, Vorador's not so bad. Considering he was the one who invented the "milk" joke, he wasn't so bad in last chapter. Anyway, Corey needs to use a sword. He's more precise with that. And yes, Dumah's store was hellishly odd.  
  
Razel of Nosgoth: Umm, it's getting better, but it's not as funny? Umm, could you elaborate, please? I just want to know what you mean. And Corey was the main character in my first humour story. You can find out more by reading the other 2 humour stories I have written.  
  
Dark-Sephy: Always funny to shoot Moebius! As for castrating Vorador, I don't know. The basis of my stories seems to be the milk joke, and one of the 2 needs to supply us with it.  
  
Wow, 6 reviews for one chapter! Awesome! Keep up the good work, people! You are feeding my ego!  
  
A/N: Sorry I took so long to update, school was bugging me. Plus, I was lazy.  
  
Chapter 4, enjoy! If you don't, I'll kick you in your head.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Kain and Corey returns to the Pillars, capitalised, because of it being a special place.  
  
Ariel turns around and talks to the 2.  
  
Ariel: Ah, the Lord returns empty-handed. Does the Sarafan elude you? Very well, go east of Malek's Bastion. The Oracle shall give you AIDS.  
  
Kain: Damnit, woman! It's bad enough with all the milk jokes. Now we have puns about being helped and sexually transferred diseases. I grow weary of these crappy jokes.  
  
Ariel: ... I meant 'aid'.  
  
Kain: You should have said that before I started rambling.  
  
Corey: yes, woman! You know he doesn't stop.  
  
Kain: Yeah.. Damnit!  
  
The 2 fly to the last bat beacon. They come to a cliff, where they can look towards the oracle's caves.  
  
Kain: High up on the face of these cliffs, hidden amongst a complex network of caves, which are hellishly annoying to walk around in, without a walkthrough, the underground sanctity of the wise... Pardon me for a second. (breaks down in laughter for 2 hours) Okay, I'm ready again. Oracle of Nosgoth lay sleeping. Perhaps it was time to brave the winds and seek out this Oracle from the vantage point of the heavens. Doesn't matter that that was what we just tried to do. Oh well.  
  
Corey: That really didn't seem very funny.  
  
Kain: He has lost his edge. It's true.  
  
Corey: Indeed.  
  
Mortanius' voice appears, scaring the hell out of the 2 morons. (Although one is bigger than the other. What are you perverts laughing at? The bigger moron, damnit!!!!!)  
  
Mortanius: Oh, little vampire, the game grows interesting. But with so many pawns, can you find the true player?  
  
Kain: ..... Uhh, Concept of a demon?  
  
Morty: Nope. ^_^  
  
Corey: Uhh, the one who's playing the game?  
  
Morty: Nope. ^_^  
  
Kain: Oh, I get it. It's a Defiance thingy.  
  
Corey: Which COAD knows absolutely nothing about, due to the game not being shipped to Europe until February the 6th 2004. Hah! Guess he'll be tortured, then.  
  
Kain: Which also means, we don't know what's going on.  
  
Corey becomes sad at this. He smites Kain in the foot.  
  
Kain: OUCH!!!! I'LL SMITE YOU!!!!!  
  
He starts chasing Corey all around the place, getting all spells, items or what the hell they are supposed to pick up. Plus, the icy maze is perfect for a little The Shining rip-off.  
  
Kain: Come out, come out, wherever you are!!!  
  
Corey backtracks his steps, so Kain gets hellishly confused. Eventually, they arrive at the entrance to the Oracle.  
  
Corey (still caught up in the battle): I'll whack you so good- oh, we are here!  
  
Kain: I'LL SMITE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^  
  
Corey: Idiot! We are supposed to talk to the Oracle.  
  
Kain: Brace yourself.  
  
Corey: For what?  
  
Kain: The huge amount of milk jokes about to slam us in the face.  
  
Corey: .... Crud!  
  
They enter some kind of museum.  
  
Kain: Damn!  
  
Corey: What?  
  
Kain: All of that bracing for nothing.  
  
Corey: He must be in the next room, then.  
  
Kain: Let's stay here for a little while.  
  
Corey: We have to get it over with.  
  
Kain: Yes, but the chapter needs to be longer, too.  
  
They look at a shield on the wall.  
  
Kain: This shield was newly crafted, its metal shone brightly in the firelight. The crest I did not recognise. As if I had a huge knowledge of that kind of crap.  
  
Corey: It's a fine piece of art! Pure and simple, yet so complex. And very....  
  
Kain: Shut up. Now!  
  
Corey: Sheesh, take it easy! Go rant against the self-righteous text.  
  
Kain: The book on the pedestal?  
  
Corey: Yeah.  
  
Kain: Hidden amidst the many obscure artefacts in that museum (about 7-10 artefacts, that's definitely a lot), I discovered an ancient chronicle. This passage caught my eye, so I had to catch the little sucker. I was rotting up, Melchiah style! I hate my unlife. Anyway: 'It was during these dark times, infested with the plague of the undead, that the Circle brought the Sarafan to existence. Trained to be devoutly loyal to the Circle (and their permanent asskissers, too), and the perfect exterminators of the undead scourge (they consider us on par with rats! Useless scum!), they were led to many victories by the righteous paladin, Malek. They cleansed the vampires with fire (I would probably have used water. Then again, it does burn our skin. Not that fire is any different, but hey), and released their souls to more blessed realms (Which to them is Hell. Strange. Then again, all of the good-looking girls down there are certainly worth it.). There is no wrath as terrible as that of the righteous.' I had read enough. At once disgusted and intrigued, I placed the book back down in that museum. They must have stroked a deal with the witch hunters, because there never were that many humans in Nosgoth to begin with. Mostly because I've been busy drinking their blood. What a world saviour I am! ^_^  
  
Corey: Dumbass.  
  
Kain: It's true! I've been killing all of the humans I've met on my way. I don't really know what I'm saving them from, but it certainly ain't me.  
  
Corey: Well, it was self-defence, wasn't it?  
  
Kain: Yep! Which is why I killed that old lady and drinked her blood, after wiping out her entire family and staff! ^_^ I love being evil!  
  
Kain examines a crest on the wall.  
  
Kain: recognised this crest from my youth. 'Tis the sigil of the Mighty Lion of Willendorf, bloodstained and rusted upon this battered shield. Saying 'tis is absolutely awesome. I sound so awesome when I say it. ^_^! Of course Simon Templeman's voice helps the situation, a lot, too.  
  
Corey: This parody is crap!  
  
Corey is bathed in battery acid.  
  
Corey: (is dead)  
  
Kain: Damn! I need his assistance in my battles!  
  
Kain starts turning Corey into a vampire. This is done in a way that yaoi fans like a lot! ^_^ Myself not included, of course.  
  
Corey wakes up.  
  
Corey: OH MY GOD! DUDE! THAT'S FREAKING GROSS!!!!!!! YUK!!!!  
  
Satan appears.  
  
Corey: Oh crap. Here we go again.  
  
Satan: Yo, dawg. That ain't a cool attitude, you know what I'm saying? You must be sexually insecure if you say stuff like that, dawg.  
  
Kain: Uhhh, right?  
  
Satan: Fo' shizzle, my nizzle.  
  
Corey: Is this another "COAD telling his views on the world" chapters?  
  
Satan: Yo, bro, it has only been one thing being preached here, dawg.  
  
Corey: let's just move on, please?  
  
Satan: Fo' sho!  
  
The 2 look at a guillotine. We should keep using these. It's an excellent way of killing people. Fast and efficient. Mostly. Maybe not for them Italian gangsters, with their fat necks.  
  
Kain: Pointless disgression. Yet again! Sheesh. Anyway, A guillotine, its blade still wet with blood. I tried licking the blood off the blade, then I cut my tongue.  
  
Kain runs around trying to soothe the pain in his tongue by pouring battery acid into it.  
  
Kain: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLYYYYYYYYYY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!  
  
Corey: I take it Concept is in a mischievous mood.  
  
Most likely.  
  
Kain trips on an empty armor lying on the ground. After much cursing..  
  
Kain: %/&%/&&¤&%&=(/&¤¤%&%%¤&)%&¤%/&%%&%//&&%/&/%/&%&)//&%%/)%&/ fu(ker!!!!!!!! ^¨'#!!#¤#%&%&*/-+!!!!!!!  
  
Woah! The censors aren't gonna enjoy that!  
  
Corey: 0_O I learned 500 new curse words.  
  
Kain: Mission accomplished! ^_^  
  
Corey: This chapter is even worse than the others. Though not as bad as chapter 4 of The Shining, Oh wait a minute. Hahah, I just insulted the author.  
  
But I'm the one writing this.  
  
Corey: Oh yeah, that's true.  
  
Kain: I WANT MY VOICEOVER, DAMNIT! Odd, this armor resembled that of the Ward and his minions. Yet, the steel seemed newly fashioned and untarnished by time. Except for the occasional "milk" stain. Hmm, I wonder if the Oracle is really Moebius?  
  
Corey: Who knows? He might be, he might not be.  
  
Kain: And that's about as clear you're gonna be in this chapter. ^_^'  
  
Corey: .... COAD sucks at making new smileys.  
  
Kain: What? It was a sweatdrop.  
  
Corey: maybe we should just continue.  
  
Kain: Brace yourself.  
  
They enter the Oracle's cave. The real one.  
  
Inside, stands the Oracle. With "milky" white eyes, and "milk" in the cauldron, he stirs it, and keeps a steady supply of it ready, too.  
  
Oracle: A nobleman? Seeking wisdom? Death has taught you well.  
  
Kain: no, appearing in these stupid fics has taught me well enough to stay clear of Concept. Unfortunately, he runs faster than I do.  
  
Corey: Maybe if you tried Running, he wouldn't catch you.  
  
Kain: but I hate running! Anyway, Enough philosophy class! I seek answers.  
  
Oracle: Answers indeed. I have them all if you have the questions. And what are the questions for these answers? King Ottmar- the only hope to defeat the legions of the Nemesis. King Ottmar- paralyzed by his princess' malaise. King Ottmar- the useless. Pray good sir, what are the questions?  
  
Kain: Who can win in what war soon to come, that I shall fight in? Why can't he at first? What is he?  
  
Corey: Damnit, Kain, this ain't Jeopardy!  
  
Oracle: your son Raziel.  
  
Kain: Who is the soul devouring entity inside the reaver blade?  
  
Corey: Oh, I give up. Kain, I'll wait outside. The stench of "milk" is killing me.  
  
Oracle: Pray good sir, what are the questions?  
  
Kain: You already said that! Anyway, a pox upon your tricks and babble, old man! Answer me this: Who is Malek? Oh wait, I know that, tin-can-man. And how can I defeat him?  
  
Oracle: All in time, sirrah. Yes, Time. Unless you master it, it will master you. Like your instincts (Kain: Enough satanic injokes!)  
  
Oracle: And now it's time for your answer: Malek, defender of the Nine and last of the Sarafan sorcerer-priests, and hellishly convertive. He's worse than Jehovas witnesses. His vanity led to the slaughter of the Circle at the hands of the vampire, Vorador. For his failing, his spirit was fused to a hellish set of magical armor. He has allowed no member of the Circle to fall since. No one has been tripping us since he got that magic armor. Anyone who tries, has quickly been decapitated.  
  
Kain: What of this Vorador? Has he himself gotten over his milk-fetish?  
  
Oracle: You will learn for yourself about that. Anyway. Follow the glow of the Ignis Fatuus to the Termagent forest.  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Oracle: ....  
  
Kain: ....  
  
Oracle: ....  
  
Kain: .....  
  
Oracle: ..... That's a whole lot of not understanding I sense in you.  
  
Kain: WHAT THE BLOODY FUKING HELL IS THE INGUS FETISH?  
  
Oracle: You have a lot of pent up anger, don't you? Come over here, I'll give you a massage.  
  
Kain: GROSS!!!!!!  
  
Satan appears.  
  
Satan: Yo, dawg, that's a bad attitude..... Oh wait, it's Mo-dawg. It's a good attitude to have. Fo' sho'. (Leaves)  
  
Oracle: The Ignis Fatuus lights the path to Hell, nobleman, and the way to Disney land, too. And the x-x-x-vamp store in Coorhagen. Your path. Time, Kain. Next time......  
  
He throws 500 smoke bombs.  
  
Kain: 'cough' 'ack' 'ahudy' (that's Kain coughing) Damn second hand smoking!  
  
Kain walks out to where Corey stands, at the save point.  
  
Corey: Are you done?  
  
Kain: I wouldn't want to return inside of there ever again!  
  
Corey: But we could go back and kick him in the nuts!  
  
Kain: good idea!  
  
They do so, about 500000 times, before remembering that the Oracle left the room before Kain left it. Oh well. We'll just bring him back, and flame his balls over a harsh fire.  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
What the hell was I thinking of, when I wrote this chapter? Oh yeah, girls. Anyway, 5 reviews or more, and you'll get a bigass machete, and a Moebius voodoo doll, which, when all of it's limbs are torn off, will re-attach themselves.  
  
And still no flames. 


	5. Visiting the pervert

Kudos: Wow, 7 reviews! Excellent!  
  
Fallen Paladin Shadow: Okay, I'm confused. Don't worry, I'm just not very intelligent, so I can't comprehend it.  
  
AquaSword: Yep, there's a lot of "milk" in Nosgoth. I must have some kind of obsession with it. Or maybe I'm just weird.  
  
Mikoto Zuko: Well, you could always hit him with the blunt end of the machete. And how many parodies have you exactly read?  
  
Blood of Angels: You can have any machete you want. He just deserves torture.  
  
Ratface: That line.... Yes, indeed.  
  
MortalSora: I didn't know he had an Ingus Fetish! Damn, he really is perverted. Well, I do think it was good, but seeing as how I'm always making fun of myself, what was said, was said.  
  
Dark-sephy: Nice to see inventive ways to kill that bastard.  
  
A/N: (who reads these anymore?) Sorry for the delay, I was not in the mood for writing. Plus, I was busy thinking of...... guess what? ^_^ GIRLS! Umm, just read on, okay? Ignore my "passionate" ramblings.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Kain and Corey walks out of the Oracle's cave, shuddering because of all the milk jokes.  
  
Kain: I am never going back in there!  
  
Corey: You said that last chapter. Yet you still went inside with me and kicked him in the balls.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, let's do that again.  
  
Corey: Okay!  
  
They do so. Then, they walk out again.  
  
Oracle (in the distance): It huuuurts...  
  
Kain and Corey walks out of the cave, then move on to the mist house. They enter. Oh, and on the way out of the Oracle's cave, Kain gets the incapacitate spell.  
  
Kain: Through this magic, I can stop my enemies in their tracks. Frozen in time, they can do nothing to hinder their own doom. Sometimes, I draw out their fate, for the added fear sweetens their blood. On the other hand, they shit their pants, so that doesn't really smell so good. Oh, by the way, this bad boy homes in on it's victims.  
  
Kain picks up the mist form.  
  
Kain: When in mist form, I am invulnerable to physical weapons, blade and claw! I can seep through locked doors and cracks and move swiftly, like a shadow fleeing light. However, spells will hit me, so those damn witches with homing shots can easily hit me. This pisses me off! (pissed off face)  
  
Kain and Corey walks out of the mist house, and gets pissed off by the werewolves and shooting plants. Bug spray and dog-collars are good for the job. The 2 move onwards. They see Vorador's house..  
  
Vorador: AHEM!  
  
Fine, mansion. They see his MANSION, okay, Vorador?  
  
Vorador: That's better.  
  
Dumbass. Anyway, they see his mansion.  
  
Kain: The black forest reigned here, its kingdom rarely invaded by those that live in the light. They could not find their swamp suits, so they had to resort to rain jackets. But it was called home by this mysterious Vorador. And a mysterious man called Randy Jackass. Legend told of a time when Vorador defeated Malek of the Sarafan, while Randy chased pidgeons in the courtyard. If such a man did exist, then he could perhaps be the key to defeating the Ward.  
  
Corey: Randy can defeat the ward?  
  
Kain: Let me rephrase; If such a vampire exists, then he could perhaps be the key to defeating the Ward.  
  
They enter the flame sword dungeon. Kain and Corey gets heavily pissed off by the puzzle, so they throw a nuclear bomb inside. Unfortunately, they couldn't get out themselves, so they are rather blackened. Kain finds the flame sword.  
  
Kain: The sword ravages flesh with teeth of metal and flame, leaving only scorched remains. Odd, doesn't seem to me like it has teeth. I hope it has a good dental plan. Otherwise, my dad would have to get it. (A/N: Yes, people, that's right. Kain's dad was a dentist.)  
  
They move on to the control mind dungeon. And they get the spell.  
  
Kain: This spell allows me to enslave my enemies, giving me control of their bodies. When I release my grip, their bodies will shrivel and die, as I displace their souls, and replace them with my own. For some reason, I just can't get spirit wrack now. I have to wait until ¾ into the game before I get it. Damn programmers!  
  
Corey: We only need the blood-gout dungeon.  
  
They go there.  
  
Kain: This spell allows me to use blood from my own body as a weapon. When struck, my enemies' blood would flow from their bodies to fill me with life. 'Tis a risk, yet the rewards are a temptation. Oddly enough, I never lose any blood from this. Only magic. Strange. My voiceovers are contradictive.  
  
Corey: Let's get the hell out of here.  
  
They move onwards, getting burned a lot by the swamp.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Strange that Vorador would choose a dwelling so perilous to him. The swamp could only offer a vampire hazard and pain. Maybe he had developed a Rahab- syndrome, which would also explain why he never went out in the sun. Or maybe he was just hoping that vampire hunters were too lazy to walk through the swamp.  
  
Corey: And maybe we have blazed a way through the swamp for any vampire hunter who would hunt him down. Thought about that?  
  
Kain: But they would have to go through all of those homing witches.  
  
Corey: Except for the fact that we killed them.  
  
Kain: Screw it! We gotta move on.  
  
As they approach the mansion.  
  
Kain: Vorador's keep was hidden deep within the Termagent forest (well, actually, only one screen into the forest), nestled amongst vines and creepers that clung desperately to its dark weathered stone.  
  
For some reason, the song Moonlight Shadow starts playing.  
  
Corey: Why is the song Moonlight Shadow playing?  
  
Kain: For some reason, Concept finds it fitting for this place.  
  
Corey: He's a strange man.  
  
Kain: Or a stupid kid.....  
  
Kain gets bathed in battery acid. Then, Concept manifests into the story. He's bald, and has a green face. (no, I do not look like that in real life. I'm having a The Mask moment) He pulls Kain's undies, effectively making a wedgie.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!  
  
Corey: How does a wedgie burn?  
  
Concept: I'm pouring battery acid into them.  
  
Corey: Oh.  
  
Concept disappears again, and Kain and Corey walks into Vorador's mansion. Inside, they are greeted by 10 girls with..... Large breasts! And they are jumping. The "I must increase my bust" song by Lords of Acid is playing.  
  
Kain/Corey: 'mesmerised'  
  
Director: Okay, send in Concept to get those 2 out of their stupor.  
  
Concept is sent in. He gets mesmerised by the boobies (whoops, I said boobies, please don't sue) too.  
  
Director: damnit! Send in Moebius. He won't get distracted.  
  
Moebius gets mesmerised too. Eventually, the entire set (except for the director) is hypnotised.  
  
Director: This is just too freaking stupid! Get me some girl to remove those "bouncers"!  
  
Christina walks in. (and if you don't know who that is, read my 2 other humour stories) She pulls all of the girls off. And accidentally, Concept too. Everyone breaks out of their stupor. Kain wipes 4 gallons of drool off from his mouth. So does Corey.  
  
Kain: The luxury with which this Vorador surrounded himself was impressive, although I was more impressed by the "bouncers". His wealth would shame the haughty nobles of my former court. This pisses me off! (angry face) That this vulgar display of fortune remained undisturbed was a testament of fear's dominion over greed.  
  
They move onwards, meeting one of Vorador's brides.  
  
Kain: Their charms were almost visible through the gauze of their clothing. (drools) Yet beauty such as theirs delivered only death. For these were Vorador's pets (lucky bastard!), nothing more than beasts, slave to his will and the easy prey he provided. Vampires, all of them, held in thrall by one stronger still. What the hell does that last part mean? "Stronger still"? Pfff!  
  
The 2 enter the catacombs.  
  
Corey: The darkness was soothing and in the distance, sharp and sweet, came the scent of spilt blood.  
  
Kain: Yeah, too bad about...... Hey! You're stealing my lines again! DAMN YOU!  
  
Corey: If you would drop the freaking balloon, I wouldn't have to!  
  
Kain (holding a balloon): Not true!  
  
They enter the bleeding room.  
  
Kain: what's wrong with the room? I can't see anything wrong with it.  
  
........... You are not very bright, you realise that?  
  
Kain: What? What did I do?  
  
Just move on.  
  
Kain: Okay. Vorador's pantry! A vampire's feast! Like cattle awaiting slaughter, men and women dangled from the rusted hooks upon the dungeon walls, blood and viscera frosted the dirt and stone. The abundance nearly overwhelmed me. For blood is the life........... OF ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Corey: Psycho!  
  
They find the chaos armor!  
  
Kain: My enemies are quite vicious and the Chaos armor extracts from them a heavy price for their bloodlust. The blows are meant for me, but it is their bodies that carry the wounds. Well, actually, the pain is split over in 2. Communist armor! I still love it, though. It can be countered for, with the help of the repel spell. Hahah, take that, communism. I'll just use my repel, and it won't be split. (A/N: I don't like communism!)  
  
They find the blood shower spell.  
  
Kain: Oh, to bathe in the blood of others! That would be awesome! Unlike that time where I went swimming and my roommate had filled the swimming pool with battery acid. This spell is especially useful in the face of multiple combatants. Beware those with tainted blood.  
  
Corey: Who are you talking to?  
  
Kain: I don't really know.  
  
They find the torture room.  
  
Corey: Oh shit!  
  
Kain: The room I had entered had but one purpose - the torture and execution of human beings for the sadistic pleasure of its engineer. Blood was splattered on every surface. I would be sure to contribute to that! (drools) The dread and agony of victims past still echoed through the lethal walls. A symphony of terror and agony filled the air. Then, from amidst the cacophony of screaming souls came the perverse laughter of the Vampire himself.... He was probably producing "milk". (shudders) And upon the wall, scrawled in blood, were the words: Manus Celer Dei. Translated: The swift hand of God. Hmm, never knew Vorador was a god- pusher. I'd be sure to kick his ass when the time came. Oh, by the way, Corey, go on. I think I'll stay here for a little while.  
  
Corey attaches a chain to Kain's armor, and pulls him off with a truck.  
  
Kain (being dragged along the ground): Amongst Vorador's possessions, I found an ancient chronicle........ Long ago, vampires grew in such number as to capture the attention of the Circle. (maybe if they had gotten naked, they would have gotten some attention faster) The Order of the Sarafan, or the "Angels of Light" as they were called, was instated to counter the menace. Thus, the "Vampire Purge" began.  
  
He sees some paintings on a wall.  
  
Kain: The tapestries wove a tale of chaos ignited, an orgy of fire and pain. Undead beings, with rotted skins caked with sulfur and ash, beckoned at me through a burning abyss. Their tortured stares were a testemonial to the price of weakness. Must be how I got inspiration for the lake of the dead. Geez, what a coincidence. Their fate would not find me. Yet blood calls to blood.  
  
Corey: ?  
  
Kain: Don't ask, because I don't know.  
  
They reach the last room before Vorador's dining room.  
  
Kain: Okay, now we will be hit by A LOT of "milk" jokes.  
  
Corey: I'm bracing, I'm bracing!  
  
They enter.  
  
Kain: In the bowels of that black forest I found something worse than Hell. A vision of what I was becoming......... a green vampire freak, who produced "milk" all day long. Seriously, Vorador had millions of things with "milk" in them! Geez! What a psycho freak! Why must he be so perverted?  
  
Vorador: It's not often I see one of our own, especially one as young and sexually intolerant as yourself. Nonetheless, drink. Drink deep and indulge your gift.  
  
Kain: It's not "milk", is it?  
  
Vorador: No, it's not! Relax!  
  
Kain: Gift? Pah! Vorador thought my curse a blessing. That we were gods and that mortals offered their blood as sacrifice so that we could enjoy our supernatural powers. And somewhere deep inside my new self I knew he was right. That mortal dreams were prayers. Prayers to us - begging for our power. I pondered this as the decadent old fool prattled on about his past; a boorish account of how he defeated Malek of the Sarafan and took his vengeance upon the Circle of Nine for supporting the Sarafan's holy war to exterminate us........  
  
Corey: ..... Uh, Kain, he can hear you.  
  
Kain: Wha-! Oh shit!  
  
Vorador kicks Kain's ass a lot! He also kicks him in the groin.  
  
Vorador: Learn it, PUNK! After slaughtering six of the sheep I defeated their pathetic little shepherd - Malek. Since then our kind has not bothered with the cattle, except to feed. And I suggest you do the same. Meddling with the affairs of man can do us no good. Sarafan witchhunts are much too tedious to concern ourselves with. Am I understood Kain?  
  
Kain (wheezing): Completely.  
  
Vorador: Good. Take this ring. If you ever need assistance it will summon me. Despite your youthful arrogance, you amuse me, Kain - it would be such a pity to lose you to the Abyss.  
  
Now be gone!  
  
Kain (wheezing): Okay.  
  
Corey: Well, that went well. My visit with Vorador only strengthened my resolve. His power uncontested by mortals, he had fallen to another enemy. Decadence has claimed itself many a great warrior.  
  
Kain (wheezing): That's... my...... line....  
  
Corey: Kain, in your weakened condition, you cannot speak your oneliners.  
  
Kain: Damn.  
  
He examines the ring from Vorador.  
  
Kain: Turning the ring over in my hands, I realized that it was crafted from some strange alloy formed from broken teeth - ground down and soaked in blood. Why is it white, then? Oh my god! (burns the ring) There, all good.  
  
They exit Vorador's mansion.  
  
Kain: And so I left that place, with clear knowledge of what sort of perverted bastard I would become if I let my curse consume me, and with an ally for the future. Although I hope we can quit the "milk" jokes soon.  
  
The "bouncers" are waiting outside of the mansion, and we will leave, while Kain and Corey, and me too, watch on happily.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Okay, now I can't remember what I was going to say. Screw it! 5 or more reviews. And gir- no, cut that! I didn't mean to say that!  
  
Corey: yes, you did.  
  
Okay, but that doesn't mean it should be said.  
  
Corey: Yeah, right.  
  
Ahem, reviewers will get a deep hole and 20 gallons of battery acid. And any person that you hate to throw down in the hole and pour battery acid on. 


	6. Ego manic author and visits to Dark Eden

Kudos  
  
AquaSword: Well, he did hear him, actually. That's why he kicked his ass. And well, Vorador is a gross vampire.  
  
Mikoto Zuko: I'm flattered then. And I'm proud of my hormones! Never try to take those away from me! Oh wait, you didn't. ^_^  
  
Vampiric Entity: Well, I AM letting them be read. On this story, remember? And well, here's the next chapter, anyway.  
  
Dark-sephy: Yeah, "milk" is bad for you. At least in this story. Well, as deep as the hole needs to be.  
  
Mortalsora: It's hysterical now, eh? Hah, you think that's bad? You should have seen him at the out takes. (which costs 10 million dollars in real life to see)  
  
A/N: Heh, due to the reviews giving me a huge ego (!), so I will be acting like a dude with a huge ego in this one, instead of my usual self-ironic self. ********************************************************************  
  
Outside of Vorador's mansion, Kain and Corey are still being hypnotised by the "bouncers". So am I, by the way. Kain and Corey are pissed, because of all the girls being interested in me. Too bad, boys!  
  
Kain: Damn, I want girls, too! Well, he deserves them, though. He's a woman magnet, after all.  
  
Corey: Yeah, and he fights good, too.  
  
Kain: And knows a lot.  
  
Corey: And has good looks.  
  
Get on with it!  
  
Kain/Corey: Okay.  
  
They move forwards, eventually seeing Dark Eden in the distance.  
  
Morty: A triad at the roof of the world, Kain- a plot to twist the land, to shape the world. North is where your vengeance lies.  
  
Kain: Strange, I didn't think they had anything to do with me being murdered.  
  
Morty: Look, I know who killed you, and they had a part of it! Okay? Just go kill them.  
  
Kain: Cranky!  
  
Kain and Corey move towards Uschtenheim and reads the sign.  
  
Kain: In my travels, I learned much about the legend of Janos Audron. Here, in this quaint pastoral village of Uschtenheim, that dark enemy was born. Odd, I thought he was blue. Janos preyed upon its peasants until he was finally hunted down and executed. Odd that he would hunt them, when he had a room full of blood. Then again, it was kind of transparent. Maybe it was mixed with water, which would be a good reason to not drink of it....  
  
Corey: Where's all the buildings from Soul Reaver 2?  
  
Kain: They didn't bother with inconsistencies.  
  
Kain and Corey move around Uschtenheim, eventually meeting some of those scarecrows who sends crows at you. Kain gets swarmed.  
  
Kain (getting pecked): OH MY GOD, THE PAIN! IT'S EXRUCIATING! GOD! That is not a worm!  
  
Corey drags him off to the doctor of Uschtenheim.  
  
Doctor: Don't be mad at the birds, Kain, they were only trying to drink your eyefluids.  
  
Kain: yeah, I know that. You wouldn't happen to have any pain-killers, would you?  
  
Doctor: No, but there is a controversial thing you can use. Medical marijuana!  
  
Kain: I'll take it.  
  
Doctor: You even get a choice of bong. Do you want the reaver, or Nupraptor's head?  
  
************************************************************************  
  
The two move nearer to Dark Eden, eventually meeting one of those loud as hell mutants, who shoots spikes at you, with an extreme sound volume!  
  
Kain: The poor wretch was warped beyond recognition, and loud as you wouldn't believe. To think that it was once human. Well, actually not, he was a lawyer before. Such strange creatures that had been spawned by this dark magic- things half insect and half mammal. Human torsos grafted onto abominations of the flesh. Sick as it was, I could not help but admire the creator's ingenuity. He was almost as cool as Concept of a demon.  
  
Corey: The dude just kicks so much ass, it's unbelievable.  
  
Kain: yeah, I wish I could be as cool as him.  
  
They move on, and encounter magical rain.  
  
Kain: From the heavens the tears of angels danced around me in a frenzy of fire.  
  
Corey: I can hear you are on drugs. You are talking odd.  
  
Kain: If it could be said that a land descended into madness, 'twould be an accurate account of Dark Eden. A garden of horrors, seeded with sick perversion of nature's design. I knew that this Dark Eden I had trespassed upon would continue to grow until all of Nosgoth was consumed. And that wouldn't be good.  
  
Corey: Well, DUH!  
  
Kain: silence, underling!  
  
They come along the magic shell that protects Dark Eden.  
  
Kain: Magic seethed and shifted. I watched the dome of energy as it expanded, absorbing and recreating, consuming life and leaving behind only a twisted parody. Not a good parody, like this story, but a bad parody.  
  
They pass through the shell.  
  
Kain: I passed through the wall unharmed. It seemed the magic only preyed on things that were alive and pure. Or, perhaps, it simply decided that I was twisted enough.  
  
Corey: No, it's because it can't affect people, that are on drugs!  
  
Kain: Since when did you have a tail?  
  
************************************************************  
  
They get near the castle.  
  
Kain: A tower stood in the distance. From its apex spewed the vortex of energy that shaped the lands below. Strangely enough, you could not see that energy from here.  
  
They enter the castle.  
  
Kain: The surface of the castle belied its interior; for it was far larger inside than out. With the powers the Circle had at its disposal, it would have been simple to distort space to accommodate this strange structure. Now would probably be a good time to crack a TARDIS joke, like Crystarr did, but the author doesn't know about that, so it won't happen.  
  
Corey: Clever him! He would probably be sued, if he mentioned it.  
  
Kain: He's extremely intelligent, so he would foresee those kinds of things.  
  
They enter, and go on the Alchemy rooms.  
  
Kain: The sorcerer's sanctuary, his laboratory. Inside was all manner of items arcane: pickled bodies, dissected corpses- both man and beast, Jehovas witnesses and metal constructs that heaved arcs of energy into the air. I sensed more than one force being manipulated in this place. Must have been problems with the antenna. Strange... Rarely did a sorcerer condescend to work with others.  
  
Kain and Corey finds the spirit death spell.  
  
Kain: 'Tis a spell worthy of the Necromancer himself. This allows me to dissect a creature's soul, and even without using a knife, from its vessel of flesh. For these poor wretches, only oblivion awaits. Or they would have to deal with god-pushers in their dead existence.  
  
They find the flesh armor.  
  
Kain: How convenient. This armor, wrought with the blood of noblemen, drains the blood from my enemies for me, leaving me to focus on the slaughter at hand. And it makes me sexy, too. Although, not as sexy as Concept of a demon. That's impossible for anyone but him to do.  
  
They walk around, killing all of the creatures, that they find annoying.  
  
Corey: Die, you little basturds! (sic)  
  
Kain: Come here, and I'll whip ya!  
  
All of the poor monsters run away in fear.  
  
Kain: Poor? They are trying to kill us!  
  
Are you questioning me?  
  
Kain: No, I'm not. I'm serious! I'M NOT QUESTIONING YOU! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!  
  
They move on and find the 3 bastards.  
  
Kain: Ah, not one but three - DeJoule the Energizer bunny (she keeps going and going), Bane the Tarzan wannabe, and Anarcrothe the Alchemist. How considerate of them to hasten my search.  
  
Bane: So, the scourge of the Circle has arrived...  
  
DeJoule: Fear him not, Bane - he is but a whelp; his soul is ours for the taking.  
  
Anarcrothe: Don't be ridiculous! Malek! To our aid!  
  
Anarcrothe disappears. He's holding something in his hands.  
  
Kain: Damn you, Alchemist! I did not come this far, only to for you to steal my bong!  
  
Corey: Kain, we have more pressuring matters.  
  
Kain: Such as?  
  
Corey: Such as Malek appearing out of the blue.  
  
Kain whips out Vorador's ring.  
  
Kain: Vorador, I choose you!  
  
Vorador appears.  
  
Vorador: No Pokemon rip-off, please! By the way, Kain, I was in the middle of something! (pulls up his pants)  
  
Kain: Damnit, Vorador!  
  
Malek: Vengeance! Vengeance for my eternity of suffering!  
  
Vorador: Kitten! As if you knew what eternity was! You've only been alive for a little over 500 years. I've been around like forever! Grovel before your true master!  
  
Malek: He's not available.  
  
Vorador: .... I hate him! Go jump in a river, Malek.  
  
Malek: Never! I'll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what's left of you to your brides!  
  
Vorador: You'll hack my crotch and my lizard? Why do you go for my genetials?  
  
They clash. Kain and Corey runs after the fleeing sorcerers. Malek hacks for Vorador, who ducks and punch Malek in the stomach. Malek slams his stick down on Vorador's sword, breaking the stick. Vorador grabs half of the stick, then they have another one those hit-the-other-fingers-as-many- times-as-you-can games.  
  
Vorador: Ouch!  
  
Malek: Damn, that hurt!  
  
Vorador: Ouch!  
  
Malek: Damn, that hurt!  
  
Vorador: Ouch!  
  
Malek: Damn, that hurt!  
  
Vorador: Ouch!  
  
Malek: Damn, that hurt!  
  
Vorador: Ouch!  
  
Malek: Damn, that hurt!  
  
Vorador: Enough of this insolent crap! You are going to die! (transforms into a wolf, and jumps Malek. This will definitely kill him! (notice the sarcasm)  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Kain: As Vorador clashed against Malek, I gave pursuit to the fleeing wizards, DeJoule and Bane. I danced their dance. When the time came, they would dance upon my sword. And then I would give them an iron-enema with my flamesword!  
  
Bane runs around like crazy, and Kain is having troubles hitting him. He gets rather pissed off by this, so he whips out the axes. He starts spinning, eventually stunning Bane. Bane dies, and Kain picks up his head- dress.  
  
Kain: The antler headdress had broken in the fight, but power still resided in its ivory form. Not that I could use that power, though. I hate this crap!  
  
Suddenly, Kain gets hit by 50 homing energy bolts!  
  
Kain: She must be the queen of those energy bolt throwing bitches that we've been meeting! We must kill her!  
  
Corey: But how? She has that energy shield around her. We can't possibly get through that!  
  
Kain starts throwing energy bolts back at her. One energy bolt hits her, and she dies. (pansy)  
  
Kain: The cloak was made from an alloy akin to lead- heavy and malleable, woven into fine links. The energy she controlled was stored in this garment. And I couldn't get to use that, either! Damnit! Those homing energy bolts would really come in handy.  
  
The 2 go back to where Vorador and Malek were fighting, finding Malek's armor on the floor.  
  
Kain: I found Malek's helmet amongst the scattered remnants of his armor, whole and intact. Vorador had finally laid his old adversary to rest. Or maybe Raziel had been kicking his ass with the soul reaver. Or jumped him from behind and stole his soul.  
  
They leave, and return to the pillars.  
  
Ariel: Ah, you're back. Your next target is....  
  
Kain: Geez, woman! Give me a second to put these shitty things where they belong, damnit!  
  
Ariel: Okay, relax!  
  
Kain: The Helmet of Malek I placed before the Pillar of Conflict. The Pillar accepted its offering, thus it was restored. The act had taken on the feel of ritual. Isn't it strange how we must bribe our gods to stay? Heh, another injoke for Concept of a demon. At the foot of the Energy Pillar, I set the cloak of DeJoule. The Pillar accepted its offering, thus it was restored. The antler headdress of the Druid Bane I lay before the Nature Pillar. The Pillar accepted its offering, thus it was restored. God, I need a drink. Saying the same thing over and over makes your throat dry. I need some water.  
  
He drinks from a nearby well, then burns his mouth. Dumbass!  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUUUUURNS!  
  
Yeah, well that's your own fault. (pours battery acid on Kain) That one was my fault.  
  
Kain: Can't we just please get on with the story?  
  
Yeah, okay.  
  
Ariel: You must seek Azimuth the Planer at the heart of Avernus. Three instruments await you to aid you in your quest, but first you must rise and you must fall and find your salvation in between.  
  
Kain: .... Couldnt' you be a little more vague?  
  
Ariel: Was that sarcasm?  
  
Kain (sarcastic): Oh, not at all!  
  
Corey: I wonder if Concept's done with the "bouncers".  
  
I am.  
  
Corey: I'll leave you now, Kain. You must continue on your own.  
  
Kain: Maybe I can finally stop having to listen to that asshole!  
  
Corey: I'll return next chapter, though.  
  
Kain: DAMNIT! WHEN DOES THE TORTURE STOP?!  
  
Corey: Meht weiver dna scif s'aroslatrom daer tsum uoy.  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
Corey: Nothing, nothing.  
  
Kain: Weirdo!  
  
************************************************************  
  
Wouldn't it be better if I was self-ironic? Makes it easier for me to write, too.  
  
5 or more reviews, and reviewers get a hundred throwing knifes, and Moebius on a huge bulls eye. 


	7. Fun in Abernus Yes, that's how you spell...

Disclaimer: I don't own nazis, Duke Nukem or BloodRayne. Or anything else that isn't my property.  
  
Kudos  
  
Blood of Angels: I'LL NEVER QUIT WITH THE MILK JOKES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Ahem. Roll him in salt, all you want.  
  
Dark-sephy: Yep, they're dead. Oh, and about the ego thing? I'm back to normal.  
  
MortalSora: Great idea! Always fun to have people telling you how great you are, and how much you rule.. And yes, feeling shallow is great! ^_^  
  
Mikoto Zoku: Well, I was the one who poured it on him, so... Oh, never mind. Glad you like the reference.  
  
AquaSword: Well, I guess I'm the dumbass, then. Yes, Vorador should keep his pants on. Hmm, the bong joke seems more popular than I thought it would have been.  
  
Vampiric Entity: Well, glad you like it, then.  
  
A/N: Now, I haven't been updating due to homework. And politics. It's always the politics. Lousy democrates! Uh, I mean, homework was to be done first. Damn. Read on!  
  
Oh, by the way, can anyone tell me, what the hell happened to OrpheuZero? He seems to have been missing for 3-4 months. What the hell is going on? Where is he?  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Kain moves on from Dark Eden, finding weird-ass demons, and werewolves with poisonous blood. Unfortunately, no one has bothered to tell poor Kain this.  
  
Kain: IT BUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!! This tastes like battery acid! Shit! Goddamn!  
  
???: Hail to the king, baby!  
  
Kain: That better not be Corey returning.... Who the hell are you?  
  
???: The name's Nukem. Duke Nukem.  
  
Kain: I see. And why are you here?  
  
Duke Nukem: To aid you, while the dumbass with the big clothing is having fun with the chicks.  
  
Kain: I thought Concept wasn't a skater anymore.  
  
Duke: ... I was talking about Corey....  
  
Kain: Whoops, my bad.  
  
Duke kicks Kain.  
  
Kain: Ouch! Do that again, and I'll whoop you!  
  
Duke whips out his Devastators.  
  
Kain: ... Crap!  
  
Duke: Move on, mo'fo!  
  
Kain and Duke move on to the lightning cave, which, unfortunately is a moon dungeon.  
  
Kain: Didn't you say that it was a cave?  
  
Shut up.  
  
Duke: We've just had a full moon.  
  
Kain: This is gonna take a lot of time....  
  
So while we wait for a full moon, let's see what's happening to Corey.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Corey is lying in a bed with all of the bouncers.  
  
Bouncer 1: Oh, Corey, I just love all of your muscles!  
  
Bouncer 2: I love your smarts.  
  
Bouncer 3: I love all of your one-liners. Every single one of them, is a classic in it self.  
  
Corey (talking to himself): I love this!  
  
Suddenly, Vorador runs into the room and grabs all of the bouncers, then run off.  
  
Bouncer 2: I just love your green colour!  
  
Corey: DAMN YOU, VORADOR! DAMN YOU!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Meanwhile, back with the 2 morons. (no, Bush and Blair doesn't appear in this story)  
  
Kain: Concept, you bastard! We've just had a full moon, and we were unable of entering the cave because of your damn side-trips!  
  
Have you tried blowing up the gate?  
  
Duke: Yes. I'm out of grenades now.  
  
I see....  
  
Suddenly, an army of nazis appear before the 2.  
  
Kain: WHY, CONCEPT? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY............  
  
Gives you something to do until another full moon.  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
Kain cuts nazis, all the while yelling 'try to heil this, you bastard losers!', while Duke shrinks nazis, then stomping them. When Duke runs out of ammo, he'll use his gun, shotgun, RPG, and machine gun.  
  
Nazi 1: THIS WASN'T IN THE JOB CONTRACT! (runs away, before being shot down by Duke's Devastators.  
  
Duke: Hail to the king, baby!  
  
Suddenly, the lightning cave open up.  
  
Kain: YAY! (runs in)  
  
Duke: There's a lot of doggies in here, isn't there?  
  
Kain: Fudge.  
  
They run away from the wolves, hitting switches at random, and eventually finding the lightning spell.  
  
Kain: With this spell I can call upon the heavens to tear my enemies apart with its explosive power, since Duke was out of grenades and other explosives. Oh, how their bodies will rupture as the scything energy rips through them! Hell, they'll even stand still before being hit by the lightning. It doesn't get any better than this.  
  
Duke: Damn, no rockets.  
  
They find a pack of wolves, and Kain blasts them with his new found power. Unfortunately, the lightning strikes Duke, so he shoots Kain with his shotgun. Kain goes flying, right out of the lightning dungeon, landing near the first sign of being close to the first sign of Avernus. Somehow, the nazis are all gone. BloodRayne must have been visiting.  
  
Something from the distance: Quiet honey, what would the neighbours think?  
  
Kain (eyebrows raised considerably): Ooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy... Bizarre.  
  
He sees Avernus in the distance.  
  
Kain: Avernus consumed itself before my eyes. It had even added ketchup and mayonaise. And disgustingly enough, it had added milk. GROSS!  
  
He enters Avernus, then gets tackled.  
  
Kain: What the hell?  
  
Corey: Happy to see me again?  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, I was definitely missing getting my butt whooped by you, for trivial things. Do you think I'm a masochist?  
  
Corey: No, sado-masochist.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah.... Never mind, where did I come from? Oh yeah, Coorhagen. Anyway, the gate of Avernus opened slowly before me (well, actually it was already open when I got here), daring me to cross the threshold. Who was I to reject such an invitation?  
  
Corey: An un-curious vampire, perhaps?  
  
Kain: Shut up. You're ruining the one-liners.  
  
Corey: That's what I'm contracted to do.  
  
They move on, finding mutilated corpses.  
  
Kain: Damn, has Rayne been everywhere? I mean, the city was paved in blood and flesh. Would probably have been more wise to use cement. Blood and flesh just doesn't have the same effect. Yet, what would have appalled in my life only tempted me in death. Once I would have felt horror; now only hunger remained.  
  
They see destroyed houses.  
  
Kain: Avernus lay in ruins before me. Whatever hand slaughtered its people ravaged the city as well. Or maybe the blood and flesh thing just didn't work. It's idiotic to assume that it will work. You gotta use cement.  
  
A demon appears in front of the 2.  
  
Kain: The beast paused for a moment, drooling in anticipation of the fine meal he saw before him. Yes, I am a fine meal. To his disappointment, he would not find me such easy prey. Unless I was tied up, like I used to be with my girlfriend Charlotte. Then she betrayed me in Coorhagen. Damn bitch!  
  
Kain and Corey kills the demon. Then, a huge demon (I mean it, this thing is bigger than Zephon's and Dumah's evolved forms together) appears before the 2.  
  
Corey: HOLY CRAP ON A CRAP STICK ON A DUMBASS BUSH-SUPPORTER!  
  
Kain: Isn't that redundant?  
  
Corey: What is?  
  
Kain: Dumbass Bush-supporter.  
  
Corey: Oh yeah, good point.  
  
Kain: I felt its eyes upon me, eager, hungry, as if it longed to rip my heart out and eat it before me as I died. I laughed as the onslaught began. Perhaps when it was over, it would be the other way around.  
  
Corey: You're gonna eat it's heart?  
  
Kain: I'm a member of the Nosgothian Devil Worshippers.  
  
Corey: And we're going to a cathedral. This can't be good...  
  
They move on, killing demons, and fumbling around in dungeons, eventually finding the cathedral.  
  
Kain: Avernus was a religious autocracy, with the Cathedral as its dais of power. Though the city lay in ruins, the Cathedral remained untouched. The demons knew better than to bite the hand that feeds them, or maybe they didn't like the concrete cathedral, preferring to eat the buildings made of blood and flesh. I don't think I'd be different, should I be in their position. Hey, we're in a cathedral (evil grin)  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Many parts of the cathedral is burning, and Kain and Corey move along, finding a secret room with a book at the end.  
  
Text: And Hash'ak'gik spoke to the world, and all who heard, trembled. "Yo! Go go go go go go go shorty. Bring me your first born, and shed their blood on the altar of the world, dawg, so I might take some mo'fo nourishment from them, yo! Do this without question, or suffer my wrath for eternity." And it's will was done, after much debate about what the hell he was smoking that day (bloody handprint)  
  
Kain: Not exactly the satanic bible...  
  
Corey: No, not really. Whoever wrote that must have been a real psycho.  
  
Kain: Oh, but Hash exists. In Ratface's story, he's a drug-addict, in Concept's, he's a hiphopper.  
  
Corey: Freaky!  
  
They move on, finding the Soul Reaver, after an annoying time in the maze- like level of "heaven", supposedly.  
  
Kain: Time fades even legend, and the origin of the Soul Reaver has been lost long ago. Well, actually only about 500 years, where Raziel is drawn into the blade, as anyone who's played Soul Reaver 2 knows. But its purpose remains - to feed on the souls of any creature it strikes. Kindred, this blade and I. He was my son, after all.  
  
Corey: 'Tis freaky!  
  
Kain: Shut up. You don't know anything.  
  
They move on to "Hell". Which isn't very big. I would have thought that it was bigger than it's current state. They find the room that Malek was convicted in, and the wraith armor.  
  
Kain: So this was the room, of Malek's damnation. His bones were rotting, and his clothes fading away.  
  
Corey: So what about the spirit armor?  
  
Kain: This armor was spawned in the most impure of spirit forges; I'd like to find that spirit forge. They must have some cool offers. It was tempered from the seething agony of tortured souls. The metal exists only partially in the human realm, causing it to fade between tangible and ethereal states. It's kind of useless, really. Nothing fun about losing your magic. The chaos armor is much better.  
  
They walk on, finding a stained glass image of the battle between Malek and Vorador.  
  
Kain: Above me stood a memory, etched in stained glass. And thankfully, Vorador had decided to not be spiteful and not add milk. Moebius had decided to do it, though, so walking under it was spooky. And gross. And bizarre. And scary. And freaky...  
  
Corey: WE GET THE POINT! IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING! CAN WE MOVE ON?!  
  
Kain: Yes, sir.  
  
They find Azimuth.  
  
Azimuth: Ah, what's this? I had not even realized the blade and the raiment were here. You wear those trinkets well, Kain. But I do believe that they would look better on me.  
  
Kain: HOLY SHIT! SHE HAS 3 EYES! SHE MUST BE TIENSHINHANS' WIFE!  
  
Corey: No DBZ references, Kain.  
  
Kain: But she has 3 eyes.  
  
Azimuth: I was born that way, you insensitive jerk! (cries, then summons 2 demons)  
  
Kain: The Matrix- crap! I mean, Matriarch of Avernus. Yes, the Matrix. NO! Matriarch. Yes. I'll leave it at that. The Lady Azimuth: her magical planing skills summoned demons through runes inscribed in human blood. I don't understand how that works. Then again, I did get a new bong from the doctor, as a replacement for the one Anarcrothe took.  
  
Azimuth: Come to me my children! We shall ravage Nosgoth together! So, little man, have they sent you to stop me? My children shall rip you apart! Come, my demons. Let us sup on vampire blood.  
  
Kain: If you should win, just promise me one thing; Don't add "milk", please.  
  
Azimuth: wha- I'm a lady.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. Never mind, then.  
  
Kain runs around with the reaver, and protected by the repel spell. Unfortunately, every time he tries to swipe her, she teleports to the other side of the room. Almost 2 hours go by. Kain finally hits her, then throws a party, since he's finally done with her. And it's full moon.  
  
Corey: If we hurry back to the pillars, we can make it to the Lost City.  
  
Kain: Just gotta pick up some things. Azimuth's third eye, a gift from the Pillar of Dimension, allowed the Planer sight into other realms. The Pillar reclaims its own. Well, it actually needed my help, but this is what the script says. Azimuth's Third Eye was a gift from the Pillar of Dimension, and allowed her vision into other planes. For all her magic, the Lady Azimuth was little trouble; once her demonic thralls had been dispatched she fell quickly to my blade. Okay! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! It took me 1 and a half hour to kill the damn woman, and if I killed any of the demons, she would just summon some more. Who writes this stupid shit script? I'll whack him!  
  
Once Kain has been calmed down, he finds a time-streaming device. And without "milk", yay!  
  
Ariel: It will deliver you in time.  
  
Kain: No shit, woman? Strange runes litter its metallic surface. 'Tis with caution that I carry this mysterious device, just in case Moebius added milk, somehow.  
  
Kain and Corey returns to the pillars.  
  
Kain: Before the Dimension pillar, I lay the eye of Azimuth.  
  
Ariel: Well done. You have found Moebius' toy. Azimuth, not content with summoning demonic thralls, stole the Time Streaming Device in order to gather creatures from other ages as well. Take care of the device, Kain. It will deliver you in time. (Kain: You already said that) The Legions of the Nemesis are on the march from the north, crushing all in their path. 'Twas not too long ago that the Nemesis was known as William the Just, a caring and gentle benefactor of the land. But, as his army grew in strength and he himself grew in power, (and in other areas, too 'drools') the veil of tyranny fell and one kingdom was not enough. So many cities, so many dead. Willendorf will be sure to follow. The Nemesis must be stopped or all shall be lost....  
  
Kain: Concept's drooling at jokes about William's penis size?  
  
Ariel: No, that was me.  
  
Kain: Oh, okay. Hey, why should I go after him? He has nothing to do with my quest.  
  
Ariel: I have discriminating pictures of you being drunk while at that kegger in Legacy Of Chibi Kain.  
  
Kain: Fudge! Oh well, how does one stop an army?  
  
Ariel: You must rally the forces of Willendorf; they are the last Hope of Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: What the hell does a derby race have to do with war?  
  
Ariel whaps Kain.  
  
Ariel: That's not what I meant, damnit!  
  
Kain: I'm out of here!  
  
They go to the Lost City, finding many secrets, and items. And the chapter ends.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
5 reviews as always. Oh, and did you think this chapter was gross? I was originally intending to say something about "blended fish" after Azimuth stated that she was a lady, but I decided I would probably be banned for it.  
  
No flames, or I'll whoop you. 


	8. Master of puppets

Kudos  
  
Holy smoshush! 8 reviews! Excellent!  
  
Vampiric Entity: Actually, someone WOULD flame my stories. Her name is Steelsoul, and she flamed the story before this one. She got her ass kicked, though.  
  
Ratface: He's been since my first story.  
  
Wolfboy1998: Thanks!  
  
Blood of Angels: You realise you have a Moebius obsession? Kidding. Here's napalm and matches.  
  
AquaSword: He's been for a long time, actually. Refer to my other stories to know what the hell I'm talking about.  
  
MortalSora: Yeah, those dogs have an anal fixation.  
  
Dogs: Woof!  
  
Shut your arses! Damn dogs.  
  
Mikoto Zoku: Yeah, well, he IS a freak. And a moron? Indeed. So are all of his supporters.  
  
Dark-Sephy: I had the most trouble actually catching her, before she teleported away. And the lightning spell isn't THAT good, actually. I didn't have any nazis to slaughter, either.  
  
A/N: Okay, updates have been absent, due to homework, computer problems and laziness. It was rather annoying.  
  
***********************************************************  
  
On the road to Willendwarf. I mean Willendorf. Yes. That's what I meant.  
  
Kain: The specter of Ariel led me to Willendorf. Well, actually she just said that I should go there. No directions at all! Damn! Took me a few months to find the way. If I was to defeat the next member of the Circle, I needed to understand his machinations. Well, not really. I just needed to find him and whack him, but the script writers stole my bong again. Damn them! I need my bloody medicine, how is this gonna be good? With this vague advice in mind, I set forth on the road to Willendorf.  
  
Corey: Look, Kain, your eyes are perfectly fine. You don't need it anymore! Get over it, damnit!  
  
Kain: But it's my preciousssssss!  
  
Corey: Dumbass.  
  
Suddenly, Christina runs in.  
  
Christina: Undskyld, har i set Lasse?  
  
Kain: ......  
  
Corey: .......  
  
Kain: ......  
  
Corey: ........  
  
Christina: Nå, har i?  
  
Kain: What are you smoking?  
  
Corey: Do you understand what she's saying, Kain?  
  
Kain: Nope.  
  
Christina: Til Helvede med det. Jeg finder ham selv.  
  
Christina leaves.  
  
Kain: Bizarre.  
  
Corey: Oh crap!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Corey: It was Danish she spoke.  
  
Suddenly, a super sheep from Worms 2 flies in, humps Kain's leg, then leaves.  
  
Kain: I hate Concept!  
  
Corey: Shouldn't we move on, you think?  
  
Kain: Great idea.  
  
Suddenly, Morty's voice speaks.  
  
Morty: Strange, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept that which sustains him: you in your death and me in mine. But death cannot reign in a world without life and soon you will find the quest ahead of you is yours and yours alone. I can assist you no longer.  
  
Kain: Well, that is gonna be a big difference, huh? Because you definitely helped me a lot before. Those things you said was extremely relevant, weren't they? Sheesh! Dumbass!  
  
Morty: well, in that case, I'll just convince Moebius to f-ck you up real good!  
  
Kain: so if I hadn't been sarcastic, I would not have had to throw Raziel into the Abyss and everything afterwards?  
  
Morty: Yeah.  
  
Kain: .... Crap.  
  
At this point, Concept gets depressed for some reason. Must be the music.  
  
They move forwards, and after meeting Malek who has started to dance for money, to afford a new armor, Barky the amazing jumping dog, and Bill Gates juggling with chainsaws, Kain and Corey sees Willowdwarf, I mean Willendorf, in the distance.  
  
Kain: Willendorf, proud defender of the Realm, with its Warrior Elite and mighty ruler King Ottmar. The Lion Throne had once held my allegiance. But Willendorf's days of glory had passed; it was the last bastion against an unruly future. I would have stayed, but after hitting on Ottmar's daughter, I didn't have much choice but to leave.  
  
Kain and Corey walks over the water in mist form.  
  
Kain: It would seem that only those of noble lineage were allowed to pass through the illustrious gates of Willendorf Castle. And the enchantment I had cast with my Disguise was not enough to fool these Soldiers of Hope. I would need a stronger illusion to beguile them. Or maybe I should just kick them in the nuts, and hope that the door opens.  
  
Kain kicks them in the nuts. The door doesn't open.  
  
Kain: Fudgestickles!  
  
Kain and Corey move on to the Spirit Wrack dungeon.  
  
Kain: With this spell I can tear a creature's soul from its body, leaving its vacant flesh mine to control! And it dies afterwards! BADASS! This is even better than the Spirit Death spell! ABSOLUTELY COOL!  
  
Corey: Kain, control yourself.  
  
Kain humps a nearby lamp post.  
  
Corey: Damnit, Kain! No humping, god damnit!  
  
Corey shoots Kain with a nail gun, right in the ass, and Kain jumps 5 miles up in the air.  
  
Kain: OOOOOUUUUCCHHH! (reads the signpost) Mighty Willendorf had sliced open the belly of the earth with a scythe, reaping a bounty of precious metals and unearthing ancient secrets. Strange, I didn't see any gold in here. Or diamonds. Or opals. Etc. Of these secrets, I had heard of a tomb that contained an ancient forefather of King Ottmar himself.  
  
Within the tomb, a fountain of blood would allow me to cast the most noble of illusions, and gain entry to the city of the Mighty Lion. Because I would look like Princess Diana. CRAP! Why do I have to look like a woman? I hate this!  
  
They mess around inside of the mine where the Beguile spell is found, kicking the minecarts into people, so they smash into the wall, spreading blood on the walls, like those that..... NO.  
  
Kain: Unlike the Mask of Disguise, this spell actually allows me to cast away the guise of death for a time, allowing me to walk among the living undisturbed, unless they sport night vision goggles. The spell also provides a visage of nobility, for there are many who would easily divulge more to those of highborn blood. Not democrates though, with their Equality crap.  
  
They enter the library.  
  
Kain: The great library of Willendorf. Filled with dull tomes of trite accounts by pompous historians about matters that could not possibly be of interest to anyone but themselves. There also happened to be CD's in here, which is kind of odd, considering the fact that we aren't technologically advanced here in Nosgoth. Hey, cool, they have CD's with Slayer.  
  
Corey: And 'adult' movies. (drools)  
  
Kain: Horny bastard!  
  
They find a book (no, not porn, damnit!) and read it.  
  
Kain: Strange that we find the precise book we are looking for, without actually looking.  
  
Corey: Well, there is a red triangle on the floor, so..  
  
Kain: The book spoke of the birth of the Circle. The Circle served the Pillars, protectorates to the strange power that gives life to our land. At the unlikely death of a member, (yeah right. I have already killed a bunch of them. Crystarr was right. It is increasing) the Circle remains broken for a time, until the Pillars can cull a worthy successor. Which is at the exact moment the former guardian died. This is a rather inaccurate book.  
  
They find another book.  
  
Kain: I came upon another book of interest, well not really, but, buried deep amongst the library's tomes, well, actually it was easily found, what with all the red triangles. It spoke of a small cult that existed in Nosgoth, ages past, called Jehova's witnesses. Wherever they traveled strange tales of human possession would follow. Little is known of the god they worshipped. Mostly because his real name was Jahve. Heheh, ignorant ants.  
  
Corey: can we get away with the religious insults?  
  
Kain: No one cares about Jehova's witnesses. If they don't wanna be insulted, they shouldn't try to convert the rest of us.  
  
They move towards the official castle of Ottmar, finding Soldiers Of Hope.  
  
Kain: Oh shit...  
  
Soldier Of Hope 1: I hope you cannot pass.  
  
Corey: Wha-  
  
Kain: They're from MortalSora's first fic.  
  
Corey: Why does he always rip the dude off? Can't he come up with anything himself?  
  
Kain: Appearently not.  
  
Soldier Of Hope 2: I hope silence!  
  
Soldier Of Hope 3: I hope we shall not take you to the king.  
  
Kain: What next, COAD? Rahab as a rabbi?  
  
Rahab walks in, in rabbi gear.  
  
Kain: Fuke it! (drops a nuclear bomb)  
  
After all the soldiers of hope dies, Kain and Corey move into the throne room.  
  
Kain: The court of King Ottmar; shades of my former existence. Proud and self absorbed, surrounded by all the finery of the realm. Secure in their ignorance, like fundamentalists, and teeny boppers. As I walked among them I smirked, thinking of the carnage that would befall them at the hands of the Legions of the Nemesis... the glorious flames, the inevitable rape and pillage. I wonder why soldiers must always rape during times of war. It's strange. I don't think they would normally do it, but war comes, and they are all crazy about it. Sickos!  
  
They meet the clown from IT, by Stephen King.  
  
Kain: Out of my way peasant! The stench of the fields hangs over you like a pal!  
  
Corey: Pal?  
  
Kain: Pall.  
  
Pennywise: You don't smell too good yourself. Have you been hanging out with Melchiah again?  
  
Kain grabs a nearby chainsaw, mutilates Pennywise, then meets the freaky courtier.  
  
Courtier: The King sees no one! He is in mourning for the princess!  
  
Kain: He'll be in mourning for his kingdom soon. And he'll mourn for you even sooner if you don't get out of my way. Oh wait, I don't really think he cares about you.  
  
Kain throws the courtier up in the air, then whaps him away with his sword, pretending to be playing baseball. The courtier smashes through a stained glass window.  
  
Kain: HOMERUN!!!!!! And so I won my audience, such as it was, with Ottmar. He cared not of the invading armies from the North. Only of the plight of his child. What a dumbass. If the enemy won, his daughter would probably be fuked up anyway.  
  
Ottmar: A birthday present. To celebrate her birthday I declared a contest. Whoever created the finest doll in the realm would be granted a royal favor. Hundreds of dolls were brought, but the winner was obvious. Elzevir, the Dollmaker, created a toy of such beauty that all were captivated by it. And all he would take in payment was a lock of her hair. Soon after she became like this; a lifeless puppet. Whoever restores her to her former self shall have this kingdom!  
  
Corey: Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings..  
  
Kain: I thought he was done with the Metallica puns. Anyway, DUMBASS! You do not give a doll making midget a lock of your daughters hair. It's a dead give away. None the less, I will help you. I want your kingdom!  
  
They stalk off.  
  
Kain: Thus, my hunt for the Doll maker began.  
  
Ottmar: My daughter..... I fear I shall never hear her delicate laugh again...  
  
Corey: Freaky!  
  
Kain: Ottmar slumped on his throne like a rag doll, (heh, like his daughter. Okay, he was sitting up, but still...) his beard matted with the tears of his own self-pity. In my court, he would have long since been usurped by one stronger, like myself, but in Willendorf they worshipped him, even in his weakness. What ever happened to Darwin's princip? I wondered what Willendorf would do when Ottmar's death finally arrived.  
  
They leave the court room.  
  
Kain: Through whispers of the court, I learned that the Army of the Last Hope, Willendorf's proud militia, was in no condition to fight the invading Legions of the Nemesis. BECAUSE I DEFINITELY COULDN'T SEE THAT MYSELF! They were busy scouring the lands to the north, in search of the Dollmaker and Ottmar's daughter. I also learned of a tunnel, which would take me rapidly from Willendorf to the suspected area.  
  
Kain and Corey mess around, killing red soldiers, and crap, eventually finding Stahlberg.  
  
Kain: This was once the most academic of cities, (though the stupidest people in COAD's class is probably more knowledgeable) housing some of the most prestigious universities in all of Nosgoth. Namely, Oxford. While I would not weep over lost tomes, I detested the sight of scars left upon the world at the hands of the Nemesis.  
  
They move on to the dollmakers house. For some reason, Concept of a demon is reminded of Puppetmon. Don't know why, though.  
  
They find Elzevir. He's dancing with a skeleton, while wearing a clown suit and checking his email.  
  
Elzevir: Let's see... "Bored housewives"? Why not?  
  
Kain: Freaky! Elzevir! I have come for the soul!  
  
Elzevir: Okay. (hands it over)  
  
Kain: Huh? Well, that was easy enough.  
  
Elzevir: But I want the kid! (grabs Corey at a very inappropriate place)  
  
Corey kicks Elzevir in the balls.  
  
Elzevir (high pitched): I'm taking back the doll! (grabs the doll)  
  
Kain: Dollmaker, I have no time for these games!  
  
Elzevir: The soul is mine, I earned it, Ottmar gave it to me. It's my precioussssssss.  
  
Kain: Then you shall earn it with blood! Namely yours.  
  
Elzevir: You shall NOT have it! Mine! Mine! MINE!  
  
Corey: Geez, you sound like one of those whiny kids that won't stop asking for a new piece of toy.  
  
Elzevir: You're just aggravated that I touched your ass.  
  
Corey slices Elzevir in 2 pieces, straight from the top and down.  
  
Elzevir: Farewell, my love....I was lucky to have made you...  
  
Kain: What an odd little man. Now, to find the soul. Must be on the dollmaker himself. Elzevir imprisoned the girl's soul in a small fabric doll.  
  
Corey: We know, Kain, we know!  
  
Kain: Relax! The old man's intentions I shall never know. But he was definitely perverted. Hey, wait, what's this white stain on the doll? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARHHH! GROSS!!!!!!!  
  
Kain wraps the doll up in 5 layers of paper.  
  
Kain: Strange that such a tiny thing - a shred of burlap and silk with a single lock of hair nailed to it, could bring a kingdom to its knees. Small things frequently have enormous consequences. Like getting pregnant. That's not funny, yet it happens all the time.  
  
Corey: Not much to say on this, huh?  
  
Kain: Crystarr has already done most of the good jokes on these things.  
  
A lumber jack walks in, wrecks a door with his axe, then walks out.  
  
Kain: ......  
  
Corey: .........  
  
Kain: ......  
  
Corey: .........  
  
Kain: ......  
  
Corey: .........  
  
Kain: ......  
  
Corey: .........  
  
Kain: This is getting too stupid.  
  
They go back to the castle.  
  
Kain: I entered the Court with the Dollmaker's head in one hand, and the doll containing the girl's soul in the other. I placed them both before the King and watched his eyes catch fire, then he ran around screaming, until some random CD threw water at him, dousing the flames. With the doll in their possession, the Court's sorcerers could restore his daughter's soul.  
  
Ottmar: I do not know that I can thank you enough, warrior. My kingdom is but a small price to pay for my daughter's life. Willendorf is yours, if you wish it.  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
Corey: Ahem, Kain, the war?  
  
Kain: Oh yeah. 'Tis not your kingdom I desire, but your army, Ottmar. I require troops to vanquish the Horde that descends upon us from the North.  
  
Ottmar: The evangelists?  
  
Kain: No, the Nemesis.  
  
Ottmar: Ah yes. Very well. Courtiers, fetch me my armor and mace. There is war to be waged!  
  
Kain: I wonder why Ottmar will be practically invincible until a certain point in the battle.  
  
Corey: Screw that! WAR! HUH! WAR! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, NOTHING! SAY IT AGAIN!  
  
Kain: I hate this.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
As usual 5 reviews, or more. (preferably more)  
  
And no flames, or I'll whoop you, Steelsoul style. 


	9. Flamer bashing and wartime

Another wiseass has decided to play funny and flame me. No one has told him how I deal with flamers. Imbecile.  
  
Unlucky: 2003-12-15 Anonymous  
  
This has to be the worst thing I've ever had the misfortune to read  
  
I mean what was supposed to be funny about that girl speaking Danish? Was it just an excuse so Kain  
  
could come up with the witty response "What are you smoking?"  
  
And if the Parody is about Blood Omen why do you at every occasion try to bring your political beliefs?  
  
"Not democrates though, with their Equality crap."  
  
"It spoke of a small cult that existed in Nosgoth, ages past, called Jehova's witnesses. Wherever they traveled strange tales of human possession would follow. Little is known of the god they worshipped. Mostly because his real name was Jahve. Heheh, ignorant ants"  
  
And they're just some from you latest chapter  
  
Is that supposed to be funny? Is this Fic supposed to be funny?  
  
Because I swear I couldn't find one genuinely funny moment in this entire story  
  
It's just poor attempt at a parody held together by random events, "Milk" jokes and constant reference to yourself  
  
Feel free to "whoop me, Steelsoul style."  
  
Not that I care as it my hope that I'll never have to be subjected to something as sickening as reading your fanfiction again.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Well, if you reply to this, we will know that you still read it.  
  
You couldn't find a genuinely funny moment in this story, yet you read it all through. Man, dumbasses shouldn't have access to the internet. It only creates dumbassness. Why are you complaining? You might as well be in a bar, insult some rockers, then getting your ass whooped, then you would complain, too? I'm surprised you haven't sued me yet. Damnedst thing, ain't it? Sorry for ruining your entire day. I honestly didn't mean to. Very very sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Hope you notice the sarcasm. Then again, sarcasm is often wasted on dumbasses. Ah, too bad that my fic gets all the dumbass flamers. Oh wait..... Well, I suppose it's not unique, actually.  
  
"Is that supposed to be funny? Is this Fic supposed to be funny?"  
  
You really didn't see what genre the story you "accidentally" clicked on belonged to, did you? Well, a "humour" story isn't really supposed to be funny, is it? Dumbass. By the way, don't write 'fic' with a capital F. Makes your grammar seem stupid. You're lacking punctuation, too. Question marks might do, WHEN YOU'RE ASKING A QUESTION. Not when you're writing a normal sentence. I saw one punctuation, that you hadn't included in a quote from my story. At the very end of the review. You realise it makes you look like a dumbass, if you don't end your sentences?  
  
"Feel free to "whoop me, Steelsoul style."  
  
That, I intend to do.  
  
"I mean what was supposed to be funny about that girl speaking Danish? Was it just an excuse so Kain  
  
could come up with the witty response "What are you smoking?"  
  
Yeah, pretty much.  
  
"And if the Parody is about Blood Omen why do you at every occasion try to bring your political beliefs?"  
  
Because ultimately, this story is a way for me to express myself. This includes: making fun of myself, expressing my views (and this could be a lot worse), making fun of people I hate, making jokes that I myself think is worthy of being included. If you weren't an imbecile, you would realise this. It's what most authors do.  
  
"It's just poor attempt at a parody held together by random events, "Milk" jokes and constant reference to yourself"  
  
You, are the Master Of The Obvious. Here, have a badge.  
  
The only thing really holding this current story together, is the fact that it's based on Blood Omen 1. Yes, there is a lot of "milk" jokes, and it's gonna stay that way. And yes, I do refer to myself a lot. So do you. What are you judging me for? Are you a hypocrite? Most likely. There's not really any need for you to tell me what my fic is about. I wrote it myself. I don't need my personal advisory to tell me what I wrote.  
  
"Not that I care as it my hope that I'll never have to be subjected to something as sickening as reading your fanfiction again."  
  
Easy to avoid. Don't read it again. Oh wait, it's sickening to you. Do read it again. Maybe you'll actually manage to get some deadly disease, and die. That would be fun.  
  
"Unlucky"  
  
The only unlucky thing here is that you are lacking in brain cells.  
  
I'm hoping that you will stop reviewing my fic, but if you are like regular flamers, it won't happen until I call you a bitchshit, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna see how long I can keep you going.  
  
**************************************************************************  
  
Kudos  
  
AquaSword: I don't mind quoting. I'm glad that you like it.  
  
MortalSora: Ah, the eternal question of the red triangles. And why is Kain so crappy at remembering his lines? 'Tis strange.  
  
Vampiric Entity: Not fully into it? I don't know. I think it turned out okay. Oh, and if you want to see how I deal with flamers, well, you have almost just experienced it.  
  
Dark-Sephy: More like playing Worms World Party. Oh well. Same princip. Heh, never would have thought that Corey actually has fans. Which makes me wonder why I ever asked in the first place.  
  
wolfboy1988: Well, I hope that you will like their fights in this chapter.  
  
Mikoto Zoku: That's just because of Kain jumping into the air, isn't it? Oh, and again, he's able to update! Amazing, ain't it?  
  
A/N: Well, a little flamer bashing in this chapter. He deserves it, though.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
The scene is the Battle of the Last Stand. Kain and Corey look at the soldiers fighting.  
  
Corey: You know, Kain, I don't think this was a very good idea to get involved in.  
  
Kain: Anything to relieve me of my curse.  
  
Corey: And this has what to do with cleansing the pillars?  
  
Kain: ...... I'll kill Ariel.  
  
Corey: She's already dead.  
  
Kain: I will go back in time, kill her, go back in time again, double kill her, go back in time again, triple kill her, go back in time, pour acid on her first, then repeat the whole cycle.  
  
Corey: ........ You're a loony, you realise that?  
  
Kain: Yep!  
  
Corey: Good.  
  
Ottmar (yelling): The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us, friends! We shall die today as heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves! Ready thine arms! For Nosgoth!  
  
Kain: No, for my salvation!  
  
Ottmar: Selfish prick.  
  
Kain rushes forward, sword ready, then slashes a soldier into small pieces. He throws a flay at another. He goes crazy with the Blood Shower spell.  
  
Kain: In the distance, I saw the Nemesis armies march forward, a black tide that would soon wash over the Armies of the Hope, showering them with soap, then they would repeat. They came at me in thongs, no, throngs! Yes. Throngs. No fervor so strong that inspired by a madman. I thought Bush lived in America? Oh well. The Nemesis armies were fierce and showed no signs of subsiding. Like flamers, that hasn't been cursed to hell I sated my thirst on warriors of Horde and Hope alike. The dying relinquishing their final moments to give me strength.  
  
Unlucky appears. Corey quickly knocks him out. Unlucky gets tied to a huge cross, that is then burned. With napalm.  
  
Unlucky: IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!  
  
Ottmar fights soldiers by himself, getting mortally wounded.  
  
Ottmar: The Nemesis and his Horde fall upon us, my friend. I fear I can defend Nosgoth no longer.  
  
Kain: Not much good at that in the first place.  
  
Ottmar: Shut up! The Nemesis must be destroyed. For my daughter, Kain....  
  
Kain: Well, DUH!  
  
Ottmar: For the world.... (dies)  
  
Kain: The tide turned with Ottmar's death. Surfers didn't like this, so they went to another beach. I watched as the remaining survivors of the Armies of Hope fled to the safety of the forest. Well, not until I move on to the next screen. The battle had decided its victor- the fate of Nosgoth now lay in the Nemesis' hands. Unless I decided to track him down and kill him. I have the repel spell, after all.  
  
Kain and Corey move on. They are alone against an enormous amount of soldiers. The flee towards the north. Suddenly, the scenery changes.  
  
Kain: At once the battlefield was gone. Where the ground was caked with blood and dirt, (but thankfully no buildings made of blood and flesh) there was lush greenery. And snow. Where chaos reigned only moments before, this damning calm prevailed. Alas, it seemed I was stranded here. The time streaming device lay in pieces at my feet. Maybe if Corey hadn't punched my kidney...  
  
Corey: Hey, you elbowed my face!  
  
Kain: Not on purpose.  
  
Corey: Yeah, riiiiiiiight.  
  
Some dude sees him.  
  
Some dude: Holy shit! Where did you come from?!  
  
Corey (imitating Ash): I am the hero from the sky!  
  
Kain: Just because you ended up in the air, doesn't give you an excuse to rip Army Of Darkness off.  
  
The dude pulls out a sub machine gun.  
  
Some dude: Doesn't matter. DIE!  
  
He shoots at them, but the recoil of the gun makes him shoot himself.  
  
Kain: Cool! ^_^  
  
He reads the dude's mind.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Moebius at the foot of a castle.  
  
Moebius: Would you stand idle as vermin destroyed your crops?  
  
Mob: No!  
  
Members of PETA: Yes! We must protect the creatures of the world.  
  
Moebius: Damn hippies.. As your house burned!  
  
Mob: No!  
  
Pyromaniacs: YES, WE WOULD!  
  
Moebius: Psychos... Will you allow this evil to continue?  
  
Mob: No!  
  
Moebius: Will the wickedness end?  
  
Mob: It must!  
  
Philosphers: Wickedness is a relative term.  
  
Moebius: Do you believe?  
  
Mob: Yes! Yes! Yes!  
  
Me: No!  
  
Moebius: Your opinion doesn't matter.  
  
Me: I find it hard to take you serious, when you are responsible for most of the "milk" jokes in this story.  
  
Moebius suddenly gets a grenade in his face.  
  
Moebius: OUCH! Take me to your king, so that I can prepare you for the onslaught!  
  
The vision ends and Kain and Corey proceeds to the camp of the Nemesis, but in the past known as the lands of William the Just.  
  
Kain: And so it seemed that I was stuck in the time of William The Just, 50 years ago. Well, 50 years from the battle I escaped. It can't be 50 years ago now, if I am here. It is...  
  
Corey: GET ON WITH IT!  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
They move forwards, meeting young versions of the Nemesis soldiers. And yes, they do kill them. Eventually they reach the Nemesis castle.  
  
Kain: The stronghold of William the Just. 'Twas time for me to pay a visit to he who would become the Nemesis and force Nosgoth on its knees. Sort of like my first wife. She had a power fetish.  
  
Corey: I don't want to know, Kain.  
  
Kain: Pansy.  
  
Corey: SCREW YOU!  
  
He chases after Kain with a chainsaw. (A/N: If you're wondering, he got a new one from Mikoto Zoku) They eventually find a room with Moebius and William The Just talking.  
  
Kain: Just talking, eh?  
  
Shut up.  
  
WTJ: ...... Yes, these weapons you have provided will see to that. Pray tell, Moebius, what game do you play?  
  
Moebius: None, my lord. I'm baking a cake.  
  
WTJ: Let me guess: Add milk?  
  
Moby: Yep. ^_^  
  
WTJ: I don't want to hear anymore.  
  
Moebius: I only wish to aid you in vanquishing your foes. The weapons are but a token of my good will.  
  
WTJ: And that is why you're cracking "milk" jokes?  
  
Moby: Geez, sorry. SexuallyintolerantbastardthatIhatewithallmyheart.  
  
WTJ: What?  
  
Moby: Nothing, nothing.  
  
WTJ: And the news you bring- a vampire sent to slay me. Where did you come upon such knowledge?  
  
Moby: Jeopardy. But seriously, 'tis of no consequence, Sire. 'Twas only out of concern for your Majesty's life.  
  
WTJ: Perhaps, perhaps.... Very well, then; you may leave me now. But should I wish to speak with you-  
  
Moby: Call me on this cell phone. (hands him a cell phone.)  
  
WTJ: Hey, thanks. Hey, this thing doesn't have your number..  
  
Moby: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (leaves)  
  
WTJ: Fudgestickles!  
  
Corey chases after Kain again. They eventually find WTJ.  
  
WTJ: Ah, yes. The vampire. Moebius told me you would come.  
  
Kain: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY REAVER, YOU ASSFACE?!  
  
Corey: ..... Kain, it's obviously an older version.  
  
Kain: Oh. Won't it create a paradox, then?  
  
WTJ: You were destined to die at my hands.  
  
Kain smiles evilly, then jumps William.  
  
Coery: Ouh! That's gotta hurt!  
  
William dies. A bunch of guards rush in.  
  
Kain: As his guards rushed to save him, William the Just's blood was already renewing my strength, replacing the life his sword had stolen from my veins. Well, would have stolen, had he actually hit me with the Reaver. Poor fool didn't have a chance. The poor fools..... Come to aid their fallen leader. Let us have some amusement.  
  
Corey: Stand-up?  
  
Kain: ...... Dumbass.  
  
Kain kills the guards, consisting of 3 Nemesis soldiers, a pig cop from Duke Nukem 3d, 4 possessed scouts from the Evil Dead game, and a stormtrooper running around a sombrero.  
  
Kain: 0_o!  
  
They move into the back room, finding a time-streaming device. With no "milk" stains.  
  
Kain: YAY! Ahem, a time streaming device! Strange.... When coincidence seems too convenient, I prefer to call it fate, because I'm too damn lazy to research it myself.  
  
They go BACK TO THE FUTURE!  
  
Corey: Damn puns...  
  
Kain: With William the Just dead, Moebius' plans had been thwarted. His pawn was removed from the game. Hmm, guess he was playing chess, then.  
  
They kill several vampire hunters on their way out, eventually standing outside.  
  
Kain: I found myself once more in the Nosgoth I knew. Okay, it wasn't ravaged, like when I left it, but still.... The carnage from the battle was gone. Yet there was something amiss. From the distance I heard cries and a breeze from the south carried with it the faint odor of vampire blood. I wonder what was going on.  
  
Corey (sarcastic): Probably a game of Bingo!  
  
Kain: You think? Excellent! I like playing Bingo.  
  
Corey: Idiot.  
  
They find the broken statue of William.  
  
Corey: I wouldn't have though that Osama Bin Laden would trash an useless statue, with no innocents in it. Guess he would.  
  
Kain: 'Twould seem the folly fell upon my own shoulders. And Corey's.  
  
Corey: Hey!  
  
Kain: With their sainted King William dead by my hand, the people of the land were consumed by a hunger all their own.. for junk food.  
  
Corey: ..... Don't you mean 'vampire blood'?  
  
Kain: Whatever. As I wandered about more, the shrieking and cherring became more apparent and defined. There was some sort of gathering to the south- for with each cheer I smelled an outpour of blood. Why would their Bingo prizes smell of vampire blood? Wouldn't that mean- Oh, crap!  
  
Corey: Kain, where are you going?  
  
Kain: I gotta find out what this is all about.  
  
They find some vampire hunters, and the quote that forever will make me a Kain fan occurs.  
  
Kain: I make no pretense to justify my killing- yet these vampire hunters would cloak their bloodlust beneath a veil of righteousness! Hypocrites! They would make themselves judge and jury! Very well, then... Let us see how they take to my role as executioner.  
  
Corey: Aren't they just defending themselves from vampire attacks?  
  
Kain: They are judging all vampires on my actions!  
  
Corey: Well, vampires aren't exactly the most trustworthy species, now are they?  
  
Kain: Good point. Maybe I should let them be.  
  
He gets an arrow shot into his arm.  
  
Kain: Or maybe not. DIE!  
  
They kill all the vampire hunters, eventually arriving at the execution area.  
  
Executioner: We are free of this unholy scourge!  
  
Unlucky gets his head chopped off. The crowd cheers.  
  
Moebius: Umm, we still haven't killed Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Damn, I thought he'd forget about it.  
  
Vorador gets killed.  
  
Executioner: We are free of this unholy scourge!  
  
Moebius: Not yet, my friend! Would you be free of a plague if only one city was cleansed?  
  
Crowd: Well, if it was isolated, we would.  
  
Moebius: I hate this. What if it wasn't isolated?  
  
Crowd: Then we would.  
  
Moebius: Would you spare one wolf in the pack that has devastated your herd?  
  
Crowd: No!  
  
Members of PETA: We would!  
  
Moebius: Yeah, but you guys are hypocrites, so it doesn't matter. Let us destroy them all!  
  
Crowd: YES! YES! YES!  
  
Corey: Sounds like they're having an orgasm.  
  
Kain thwaps him.  
  
Kain: No such jokes!  
  
Moebius points to Kain.  
  
Moebius: He is the last! Destroy him!  
  
A huge battle ensues, where heads are chopped off, bodies are dismembered, and diskettes are formatted.  
  
Kain: I had been betrayed. In my haste I had not realized it before. Well, I was sort of shielding my eyes when I saw him, so I wouldn't have to see all of those "milk" jokes. That sigil on his forehead.... The Oracle of Nosgoth was in fact the Time Streamer Moebius. And I had followed his advice! How much of my quest was of his design!? Willendorf!? The Battle of the Last Stand!? William the Just!? Was this the trap he had fashioned for me!? Or was it the fashion designers of London? This goth gear is kind of cool.  
  
Corey: Kain, you are not in goth gear. It's a god damn iron armor!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, forgot about that.  
  
Moebius: The people will not rest until Nosgoth is purged of your kind! We will send you back to the grave whence you came, vampire! I have seen the future, Kain.... You are not in it! Let us call upon the puppets from the past!  
  
Kain kills the soldiers of the past.  
  
Moebius: Crap! From the present!  
  
Corey kills those.  
  
Moebius: Double crap! And from ages yet to come.....  
  
Kain scratches his arm. He scratches it again. Suddenly, he has 2 heads.  
  
Kain: AAAH! IT'S AN ARMY OF DARKNESS RIP OFF!  
  
He runs around in the castle, hitting himself and eventually seperating. The 2 Kains circle each other.  
  
Kain: Who are you? Are you me?  
  
Kain 2 (mocking Kain): Who are you? Are you me? WOOHOOAWOUHOOO! You sound like a jerk!  
  
Kain: What is this trickery? Are you really me?  
  
Kain 2: Oh, you wanna know? 'Cuz the answer's easy. I'm Bad Kain, and you're Good Kain. You goody little two-shoes- (continues to rip off Army of Darkness, hitting and kicking Kain)  
  
Suddenly, a shotgun is pointed at Kain the Second's face, and fired at point blank range.  
  
Corey: Who cares? You're dead.  
  
Moebius: Triple crap!  
  
He teleports into the middle of the battle field. What a dumbass.  
  
Corey: Why would he teleport right next to us?  
  
Kain: Ironic- by going back in time and altering the past you turned William the Just into the Nemesis.  
  
Moebius: As Crystarr pointed out, what's so ironic about that?  
  
Kain thinks for a long time.  
  
Kain: Umm... Eh.... I. I don't know.  
  
Moebius (reading the script): Oh, wait, that's not what I was supposed to say. Aye, you have seen my plan, vampire, as I have seen your destiny. The future says you die!  
  
Kain: But I am dead..... (grabs Corey's shotgun and shoots Moebius) As are you.  
  
He picks Moebius' hourglass up.  
  
Kain: I knew that Moebius' Hourglass was the focus of his time streaming magic. Farewell, sorcerer. The sands of time have ceased to flow for you!  
  
Corey: ENOUGH WITH THE GOD-DAMN PUNS!  
  
He kicks Kain square in the balls.  
  
Kain (high pitched): I hate you, you damn bastard!  
  
Suddenly, a nearby telephone booth calls. Corey replies.  
  
Corey: Yello!  
  
Morty: Well done, Kain.  
  
Corey: He's a little busy right now.  
  
Morty: What happened?  
  
Corey: I kicked him in the balls. This could take a while. I'll have him call you back.  
  
Morty: Okay.  
  
Corey hangs up, and gets tackled by Kain, Waterboy-style. A fight ensues. When they're done, they're sporting bruises, black eyes, and the back of Kain's armor is opened. After it's repaired, Corey forces Kain to call Mortanius.  
  
Kain: Hello? Morty?  
  
Morty: Don't call me that! Well done, Kain. Ah, Moebius did so love playing the trickster's part. His guise as the Oracle served his schemes well. Pity with all his plots he failed to plan for you. Well, actually, he did, but this will lull you into a false sense of security. Come to me, my undead son. Make haste to the Pillars. The stage is set for the grand finale. You will have your vengeance.  
  
Kain: Not so impressive, coming from a bony version of Snape.  
  
Morty: It's my hair, isn't it? (starts crying)  
  
Kain: Pansy.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Well, going this far, means that next chapter will be the last. And since I am feeling lazy, I'm gonna need 10 reviews, before I continue. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And next chapter won't be very long. Hey, not much left to parodize.  
  
And no flamers. You know you are gonna get whooped. Why even try? I won't listen to you. I'll only laugh. That's what I did this morning, when I saw my flamer. 


	10. Bizarre final battle!

Kudos  
  
MortalSora: Unlucky ain't too damn wise. And well, Kain IS an idiot in this fic.  
  
Kain: Hey!  
  
Oh come on, you know it's true.  
  
Kain: I hate this.  
  
Blood Of Angels: Corey was inspiring? Bizarre. And well, they did kill Elzevir, so it's not so bad, right?  
  
Mikoto Zoku: Corey says 'thank you'. Then he gives you a hug. Then he slowly slides his hands down, until I pull him off, and kick him in the head. Nice job on the voodoo-doll, too.  
  
AquaSword: In the game itself, Morty actually reminds me of Cher. Yeah, Moby does deserve everything he gets.  
  
wolfboy1988: I hate puns, so don't count on it. ^_^  
  
Vladimirsangel: Hmm, a bingo scene, eh? Okay.  
  
Dark-Sephy: So you like the 'fudgestickle thingy, eh? Heh. It will appear in this chapter, too.  
  
A/N: So you don't wanna give me 10 reviews, eh? BASTURDS! Just kidding, but you hopefully knew that.  
  
********************************************************  
  
Kain and Corey goes to the pillars for the last time, (Kain: About bloody time, I'm sick of them!) and they see Anacrothe and Mortanius arguing.  
  
Anacrothe: You betrayed us, Mortanius! You had Kain killed and turned him into a monster! You set him upon us!  
  
Mortanius (shouting): Can someone get this man a badge, saying 'Master of the obvious'?  
  
Anacrothe: Asshole!  
  
Morty: It had to be. Nupraptor's insanity poisoned all of our minds! The Circle had failed in its sworn duties. It had to be destroyed! It's the exact same way as with Bush and his closest circle of supporters.  
  
Anacrothe: Enough with the Bush jokes! Failed our duties? Dumbass! The circle exists for us, we don't exist for it! Our powers will save or damn Nosgoth at our whim! Stand with us, Mortanius, or die!  
  
Morty: But I am dead.. Oh wait, that's Kain's line. Crap! Then I shall DIE!  
  
Anacrothe: No need to shout.  
  
Morty: I shout when I damn well please!  
  
The suicide squad from Life Of Brian runs in, and impales themselves.  
  
Leader: That... Scared them off.. Huh? (dies)  
  
Morty: ......  
  
Anna: (what the f*ck?! My name ain't Anna!) ........  
  
Morty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Well, Anacrothe, shall we fight?  
  
Anacrothe: Sure.  
  
The army of the diskettes run in, format themselves, then run out again.  
  
Morty: The author's not being very serious today.  
  
Anacrothe: Nope. Shall we duel?  
  
A baseball player, armed with a keyboard runs in, whacks a ball out of the field, does a home-run, then leaves.  
  
Morty: This is getting annoying.  
  
A Trash-metal Jesus appears, and he sings Slayer's Read Between The Lies, while headbanging.  
  
Jesus: Evangelists, you claim God speaks through you, your unrestful mouths full of lies gain popularity, you care not for the old, that suffer, when empty pockets cry for hunger...  
  
Kain: (to Corey) Okay, Jesus has gone crazy!  
  
Corey: I don't see the change.  
  
Kain: Damn Concept, and his damn religious jokes. They're not funny!  
  
Jesus starts singing Behind The Crooked Cross.  
  
Jesus: Time melts away, in this living inferno, trapped by a cause that I once understood...  
  
Kain: Hand me a sniper rifle, please.  
  
Corey: They're not invented yet.  
  
Kain (British accent): Shiit!  
  
Anacrothe throws a holy handgrenade (!) at Jesus, effectively blowing him up.  
  
Morty: Oh man, the Christians won't like that.  
  
Anacrothe: They haven't said anything yet.  
  
Morty attacks Anacrothe. Now, I would have just written what they fought like in the original video sequence, but I haven't seen that one, so I'm gonna make some overly exaggerated fight scene, with explosions and other such crap. Morty tries to put Anacrothe in a headlock, but Anacrothe kicks him in the face. They clash, in a fight, that would make the creators of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon jealous. Morty runs on the pillars, while Anacrothe runs after him, trying to kick him hard in the head. Morty jumps back at Anacrothe, while punching for his face. Anacrothe blocks many punches, but not them all, and eventually, Morty kicks him hard in the head, so he dies. Kain walks out, from behind the pillars.  
  
Kain: If the Circle is to be destroyed you have to die as well, Necromancer.  
  
Morty: Well, duh!  
  
Kain: Shut up! I admire your cunning, but you will not escape your fate.  
  
Morty: Would be hard to do, without a paradox, don't you think?  
  
Kain: Enough with the references to Soul Reaver 2! Just follow the damn script, you bastard!  
  
Morty: Nay, I will embrace it.  
  
Kain: It's 'I shall', not 'I will'. Use proper grammar.  
  
Morty: What does my grammar have to do with anything?  
  
Kain: We're trying to make it sound impressive, damnit! Just stick with the damn script, and proper grammar, please.  
  
Morty: My death shall...  
  
Kain: It's 'my death will'!  
  
Morty: FINE! MY DEATH WILL LEAVE ONE MORE TO TAKE, PRINCELING! FINISH ME!  
  
Kain: Finish you? How?  
  
Morty: Just get on with it!  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
Kain attacks Morty, but gets his ass kicked badly, until Corey runs up behind Morty and slices his hair off with his katana.  
  
Morty: MY SNAPE HAIR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Corey. Now you can finish him, Kain.  
  
Kain stabs Morty in his heart, killing him. Morty falls down.  
  
Kain: Finally, it's over. At last!  
  
Corey: Never thought you'd get it over with, huh?  
  
Kain: Nope. I'm glad it did.  
  
Corey: Now Concept will finally let me get back to my girlfriend.  
  
Morty rises behind them, really fast.  
  
Morty: ROAR! (tranform into Hash)  
  
Hash: Yo yo yo! You thought yourself the shizzness, when in fact, you had no biznezz. You have served me well, dawg!  
  
Kain: Proper grammar, please. You're not making any sense. And I serve no one!  
  
Hash: Indeed. Such shitty vision, dawg. Like most....  
  
Kain: Is it a religious joke, you're about to make?  
  
Hash: Yeah.  
  
Kain quickly whips out a baseball bat, and whacks Hash in the face 3 times, then uppercuts him with the bat, sending him saltomortaling in the air, then landing flat on his front, making him all flat.  
  
Kain: Hashcakes!  
  
Hash gets up.  
  
Hash: Don'cha see, dawg! My silencing of dat ho' Ariel, and it's calculated repercussions is but the first act in my theatre of Grand Guignol, of which you are the tragic hero. Rap on, little vampy, rap on.....  
  
Kain: VAE VICTUS, YOU FAT BASTARD!  
  
Kain and Hash fight each other hard.  
  
Corey: Uhh, Kain?  
  
Kain: Yeah?  
  
Corey: Aren't you gonna pick up the tokens of Morty and Anacrothe?  
  
Kain: I'm a little busy right now, Corey.  
  
Corey: I'll do it, then. Ahem, Anarcrothe's magic was contained within the metal of the scales, and would eventually be released back into the pillar from when it came. NO FREAKING DUH! The scales of Anarcrothe I lay before the Pillar of States. The Pillar accepted its offering, thus it was restored. The Death Orb of Mortanius had given the Neromancer dominion over the grave. I had thought him the last of the Circle. And yet, he spoke of another. Well, seeing as how Raziel will be guardian of the reaver, that must be it. Oh wait, the reaver isn't a pillar! It must be.... Kain! Damn! Who would have thought, that that arrogant basturd would be a guardian? Before the Pillar of Death, I laid the Orb of Mortanius. The Pillar accepted its offering thus it was restored. I wonder, what pillar Kain is attached to.  
  
Kain finally whacks Hash with the Soul Reaver for the last time, and Hash blows up, into a thousand pieces. Ariel appears, along with 2 cards.  
  
Kain: I am the last Pillar- the only survivor of the Circle of Nine. At my whim the world will be healed..... or damned. At my whim.... Nice to see, that the fate of Nosgoth is decided with the aid of 2 floating cards.  
  
Ariel: Beats the coin.  
  
Kain: Ah yes, the coin. Shall we flip it?  
  
Corey: Yeah, let's do that.  
  
Kain flips it.  
  
Kain: Heads, we sacrifice ourselves.  
  
Corey: Speak for yourself!  
  
Kain: Never mind, then. Tails, we rule the world! MUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Ariel: You haven't flipped the damn coin yet.  
  
Kain flip it. It lands on... (drumroll) It's edge!  
  
Corey: This is where we were supposed to have Raziel with us.  
  
Kain: Raziel is currently dead, Corey. He won't be resurrected for a while, neither.  
  
Corey: Fine, just freaking bring him here, when you're trying to save Nosgoth.  
  
Kain: Great idea! Also, since the coin landed on it's edge, we're gonna wait, with sacrificing ourselves, until we have seen things in the Chronoplast chamber, that we can use for our own advantage.  
  
Corey: Stop talking in pluralis, Kain. I'm outtta here! (walks out)  
  
Kain: Am I finally rid of him?  
  
Ariel: Yep.  
  
Kain: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 'TIS A GREAT DAY FOR ANARCHY!  
  
Ariel: o_0!  
  
Kain: Uhh, never mind. I'm just gonna go take over the world, currently. (walks out, too)  
  
We see the 'damned Nosgoth' scene. Kain is sitting at a really wicked looking throne, drinking a glass of blood.  
  
Kain: Once I embraced my powers, I realized that Vorador was correct- we are gods, dark gods, and it is our duty to thin the herd.  
  
Corey: Sounds a little nazi like.  
  
Kain: Weren't you supposed to be gone?  
  
Corey: Oh shit, you're right! (leaves)  
  
Kain: Now I own the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ACKRIGAJ! *Coughs* Ahem, yes.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Back at the pillars.  
  
Ariel: Well, the coin is still on it's edge. (blows at the coin)  
  
It falls down, and lands on Heads.  
  
Ariel: YES! Now Kain must sacrifice himself! My job is complete!  
  
Day turns to night.  
  
Crickets chirp.  
  
Ariel: Hmm, my employers won't like this. Screw it, I'll just do a home video, where he has sacrificed himself. They won't know the difference. In his life he was unknown- a petty noble. In death he was a petty noble, AND unknown. Yet by choosing oblivion he restored balance to the land. Shades cast no shadows. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have drunk all that alcohol, when I helped make the script for this game.  
  
************************************************************  
  
The scene is a retirement house. Kain sits at one of the tables. Next to him, an old man sits, who have just won. The old man hasn't announced it yet, though.  
  
Kain (shouting very loudly, because he hopes, that he will get the prize, if the other one has a stroke): BINGO! Are you alive, Severin?  
  
Severin (the old man): Yeah.  
  
Kain: Fudgestickles.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The end of this one. Finally! Look for a parody on the birth of Jesus, on December the 24th. It will be CRAZY! And offensive to uptight Christians. I don't have a title for it, yet, though. So just look for a story with my name attached to it. And I hope I shall get 5 reviews for this one. 


End file.
